[Stan returned to the country last week. This lead to a good old eighteenth century riding-around-and-shooting-off-pistols on Wednesday night. When Stan fell off for the third time, I was able to secrete a diary with the following entries on his person and thus this is now his official fictional secret diary ]
Thursday 3 August
Have set off on our biking holiday! Despite Neil's gloomy predictions, I'm sure it will be fun, healthy and lots of drinking will take place, with no problems.
Friday 4 August
Out of clean socks already! Vas refuses to wash them for me. So much for pulling together as a team.
Saturday 5 August
Have to camp in a garden, and use the toilet in the pub. To be polite I drink much beer in the pub to make up for us using their facilities. Vas and I very amused by this turn of events
Monday 7 August
Have been in Gent. Worse still, my hat is dirty. Vas refuses to clean it for me. The Belgians are trying to claim a German for one of their famous Belgians.
Wednesday 9 August
Rotterdam. It's raining. Vas and I talking again.
Thursday 10 August
Still raining. Still talking.
Friday 11 August
Ran out of clean trousers. Vas not keen on cleaning them.
Sunday 13 August
Still raining. Vas and I made it to Amsterdam without exchanging a word. Have just seen Bob Marley fly past on a swanephant.
Tuesday 15 August
Turned up in Arnheim. As our heads cleared we realised we wanted to be in Nijeheim so cycled there. Everything good and the world is a happy place. Have immense munchies.
Thursday 17 August
Arrived in Dusseldorf. Something is going on this weekend. Jim thinks it's Nazi related. Neil thinks it's a Straßenfest which I translate as street festival. Hopefully I can buy some clean T-shirts there.
Saturday 19 August
My website has broken! Vas refuses to fly home and fix it. Will relax and enjoy the weekend.
Tuesday 22 August
Have run out of clean pants. Rather than get into the whole Vas-refusing-to-wash arguement again, I've borrowed a couple of pairs of hers.
Wednesday 23 August
Had to strip to my pants, or rather Vas' to get through airport security. Unfortunately the sniffer dog made a nest of my clothes while they made me drink my 2 litre bottle of water, and by the time anyone had noticed the dog had given birth to four very cute puppies. Had to fly home in Vas' pants. Vas not happy, especially as I had to keep going past her to go to the toilet. Good news: one of the puppies will be named after me!
 Also Vas, but due to the circumstances of the end of their holiday, Vas was having a day of rest, which, it seemed, involved not seeing Stan.
 Obviously, that's not what really happened. Instead I did a hi-tech version by putting this diary on the data card on my camera and then let Stan use his portable data-harvester to steal all my photos, which sucked up the diary along with it.
 Stan probably means Nijemen, but may mean Niflheim.