Monday, May 31, 2010


Dear Neil Hannon and The Divine Comedy,

I appreciate that times are hard and that inspiration is hard to come by. Also, even the best of ideas needs time and effort and talent to turn into a finished product of the quality that you have consistently created. Nevertheless I would have appreciated being credited when you took my 15 year old memories and turned them into your current single At The Indie Disco. I will be expecting a royalty statement at the end of the quarter.

Yours Sincerely,

Neil W

You know what? I'm wearing the There Is No Escape From Indie Disco Hell T-shirt I made back then even as I type this[1].

Actually, Neil Hannon's indie disco sounds a lot nicer than Pulse circa 1994. It has a poster of Morrissey! My version of the song would feature pints of Snakebite and Black, Steve sitting on a keep left sign, us moaning about the DJ while going there every Tuesday and a black painted, poorly ventilated concrete box of a dance room that had sweat dripping from the walls by the end. It was brilliant! We loved it.

One thing that strikes me is that Hannon's disco always finishes with Blue Monday[4]. This is an excellent choice, if perhaps a bit downbeat. Pulse always ended with the cathartic 8 minute Stone Roses epic, I Am The Resurrection. Except the week that Rob Collins from The Charlatans died when it ended on The Only One I Know. Playing a different last song from usual sounds trivial but felt surprisingly moving as a tribute.

[1] It seems to have shrunk though[2].
[2] What?[3]
[3] Surprisingly, it's the neck hole that feels most snug. My neck was never delicate and has only got thicker as the years have gone by, but it's almost uncomfortable.
[4] While searching for this, Youtube suggested I might like the Kylie/Blue Monday mashup I Can't Get Blue Monday Out Of My Head, a brilliant title and idea which is not as interesting as it sounds it should be.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Conversation of the Day

The Scene: The ICT plaza, with the entrance to the drama studio to one side.
Present: Several Year 11s revising online, and also gossiping; Several Year 8 and 9s waiting for a rehearsal for the school production of Grease; also your narrator, Me, trying to decipher some enigmatic emails.
Parental Warning: Contains swearing!

Pupil H: stick it right up your arse. [Gestures offensively]
Me, tiredly: [Pupil H]...
Pupil E, energetically: [Pupil H]! That's offensive! Sir is quite shocked!
Pupil H, mock contritedly: Sorry sir.
Me: Well, not exactly shocked - that's probably the 25th most offensive thing I've heard today.
Pupil E: I'd kind of hoped it would be at least up to number 15.
Me: Not after the lesson with year 9 last period.
Pupil A: I was in that lesson!
Me: I only heard you swear once [Pupil A]
Pupil A, quietly: Was it "shit"?
Me, tiredly: [Pupil A]...
Pupil E, energetically: [Pupil A]! That's offensive! Sir is quite shocked!

And so on. Rather sadly there are 3 runner ups for conversation of the day that I am too tired to type up.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Conversation of the Day

Scene: SELF discovered in a CLASSROOM having just arranged the revision booklets into a fan.

Pupil R: I like the way you've made these into a fan Miss.
Miss V: It wasn't me, sir did it.
Pupil R: Did you sir?
Me: Yes I did.
Pupil J: Why did you do that?
Miss V: Sir was feeling fan-y today.

We all pause and, in our minds, replay exactly what Miss V has just said.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Theological Assertion of the Day

The acute angel is sharp and less than the 90th degree.

If this pupil is correct, it leads me inevitably to:

1. completely rearrange the hierarchy of angels as it is clear there are at least 91 degrees (see also); and

2. ask how many pins can dance on the head of the acute angel?

Monday, May 10, 2010

My Favourite Part Of The British Constitution

Contrary to what people expect of me, my favourite part of the British Constitution is neither unwritten, an Act of Parliament, nor a court ruling. It is the bit that was published in a letter in The Times.

Not entirely by chance it's relevant to the current political situation.