Thursday, September 24, 2009


Tough day. But let's ignore that and instead have a quick chat with Pupil R.

[Pupil R]: You should invite us all over to your pad[1] for a party.
Me: I don't think that would be appropriate.
[Pupil R]: Appropriate, Shamopriate.

Google gives me a hit on the word, but it doesn't seem to be on the page. Pupil R has coined a new word. I put "Appropriate, Shamopriate" up on the board.

This goes with the new word from Tuesday "Mathabetes", a rare disease which means that Pupil A can't do too much maths, apparently.

Later on Pupil R turned up for an after school session as I was leaving.

[Pupil R]: We're going to tell everyone that you said you've got a crush on [Miss V].
Me: Actually, you said that, and made the whole thing up.
[Pupil R]: Would I do that?
[Miss V, appearing from around the corner]: What's going on here?
Me: They're making up stories about me.
[Miss V, to the pupils]: They're all true.

Pause as Miss V enters her classroom.

[Pupil R]: See?

I think I kept fairly calm for that, especially since I'd had my tie peanuted by a 12 year old half an hour before, and had to give them a full-scale telling off.

This is what I listened to on repeat on the way home.

[1] I was not the one referring to it as a pad.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Conversation Of The Day

[Pupil L]: If there's a question I don't like the look of, can I skip it?
Me: If you have a problem with a question you should ask me or the girls behind you...
[Pupil L]: I have a phobia of even numbered questions[1].
Me: That problem is so weird I can't possibly engage with it on a Friday afternoon.


Me: It's worse than that. This worksheet is so shoddily put together that question 3 has been mislabelled as question 2.
[Pupil L]: I'm going to do question 5. Can I have a probobulator?
Me: I'll get you a protractor.

This lesson went really well!

[1] I think the fear of even numbers would be artiophobia. Sadly this gets one hit on google, so I cannot claim it as a new word. My knowledge of Greek is insufficient to coin a suitable phobia for fear of even numbered questions.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Internal Soundtrack

While at a wedding, the father of the bride revealed that she had been conceived while he was in the holy land playing Jesus in a film[1]. This explains so much! But it did mean I had an internal soundtrack to the rest of the speeches:

The Stone Roses, Love Spreads
Let me put you in the picture, let me show you what I mean
The messiah is my sister, ain't no king man, she's my queen

I have a dream, I've seen the light
Don't put it out, say she's alright, yeah, she's my sister

The song wasn't terribly appropriate to the occasion. Some friends who are getting married next summer need a first dance song, but sadly I will have to deal this one out of my unsolicited suggestions.

[1] Not during his actual performance; it wasn't that kind of film.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Conversation of the Yesterday

Me: Yh-hello
Mum: Hello, Neil?
Me: Hi Mum! Is everything okay?[1]
Mum: Where are you?
Me: On the platform at Ramsgate station.
Mum: Oh. That's why you're not at home.

This statement of the obvious contrasts with some of the pupils' ideas of where I live:
[Pupil E]: Go on, go home.
Me: I was, until you lot stopped me to tell me I can't give you a detention as you're outside school.
[Pupil L]: Go on, go back to your wheelie bin.
Me: My wheelie bin?
[Pupil L]: That's where you live.


[1] Because, seriously, Mum never[2] rings me on my mobile.
[2] What never? Well, hardly ever.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Conversation Of The Weekend

Me: You dancing?
Her: You asking?
Me: I'm asking.
Her: I'm... going for a smoke.

Somewhere the laws of narrative fiction are weeping in the corner.

(can be heard from 1:45, and also in dance halls and supper clubs up and down the country right now)