Friday, August 25, 2006

Letter from our reader

My brother sent me the below, via the blog address. Originally I wasn't going to post it[1], but, after talking to him and rereading it I've changed my mind. I mean - Free content! Satisfied reader! Toilet jokes!

Apparently it's based on something that came to him in a dream. I've edited it a bit but I tend to do that with anything that passes through a text edit window in front of me, so you lot should be used to it.

I read this in today's Telegraph obituary section today and I thought it may interest your blog.

Dean Itchianus,
Comedian and UN health ambassador.

Dean Itchianus born Wigan 21st June 1980. He attended St Widnes Grammar School for Students and briefly studied at St Surgeons School for Medics in Edinburgh before becoming a full time comedian. He first came to public prominence in 2008 when he took part in the Medical/Comedy reality TV show "You stitch me up!" when his catchphrase "In that case some bum's got my pencil," became a household phrase. It was most notably used in the infamous "Ring Cycle" sketch during the 2009 Royal Variety Performance performed by Lance Armstrong and Roy "Chubby" Brown, the sketch that was on stage at the time of the attempted assassination of the Duke of Edinburgh.

Dean Itchianus' star waned in the late noughties and in 2011 he moved to the USA with his second wife Julian. There he found a talent for speed eating. In May 2011, he won the Coney Island hot dog eating championship at his first attempt, the first rookie to ever do so. He was the first All American speed eating champion to win three times in a row in 2012, 2013 and 2014. This record still stands. With the introduction of speed eating to the 2016 Lagos Olympics the sport clamped down on the use of many of the laxative products that competitors used to compete at consecutive events. After failing two tests in May 2015 he retired from the sport.

Dean divorced Julian and moved to Mexico in January 2016. He competed in unsanctioned Taco eating contests and gained a great deal of weight. On 31st April 2018 in Juarez, Mexico he was famously filmed competing when he shat his guts out. This was the first time this, now commonplace, medical phenomenon was ever witnessed.

Dean spent 50 days in intensive care and was involved in pioneering surgery by Dr Wally Christmas, a contemporary of Dean's from his days in Edinburgh, to hermetically seal the guts into a small carry cart which his third wife Rafael pushes around for him.

Since the accident he worked for 7 years as an obesity ambassador for the UN and was knighted in 2024 for his work for the organisation.

He died on 3rd May 2025 after a sild bone caught in his throat. He is survived by his fifth wife Dean.

[1] Hey, it's my blog, so I get to decide what nonsense goes on it.
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