Friday, October 23, 2009

Rapping In And About Toilets

My brother pointed out to me this video of The Genius Squad performing their track The Bog. Who would have thought that rap music and toilets would mix so well?

Thursday, October 22, 2009


While I'm watching female electro-pop, let's see this video of Breakthrough by Greek duo Marsheaux which combines synth music with an innovative retelling of Little Red Riding Hood.

It's like several of my obsessions interests rolled into one delicious computer generated package.

Principles Cause Aggravation (again)

My principled belief in free speech means I have no choice but to condone the appearance of that fascist pillock on Question Time tonight.

Fortunately my principle of not watching crap TV means I won't be watching it. That's one in the eye for the BNP.

Instead let's watch Little Boots.

After watching the BBC documentary Synth Britannia, my brother had this question about Boots: "Where's the dodgy looking bloke playing a synth behind her?"

He's not really as ignorant of female synth-heads as he seems.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Trafalgar Day

21st October 1805.

Villneuve was late. Bonaparte had taken his army away from the channel to fight the Third Coalition. Pitt had already removed the threat to Britain with his diplomatic succeses, successes that would be overshadowed by Bonaparte at Ulm and Austerlitz.

But let's not minimise the result of Trafalgar; after this the war at sea was almost entirely in Britain's favour. And if ever I'm killed whilst commanding a naval battle, I insist on following the example of Nelson; to be pickled in brandy.

Monday, October 19, 2009

007's Teenage Pillow Fantasies

Through his glasses, Bond examined the two men and wondered about them. What did these people amount to? Bond remembered cold, dedicated, chess-playing Russians; brilliant, neurotic Germans; silent, deadly, anonymous men from Central Europe; the people in his own Service - the double-firsts, the gay soldiers of fortune, the men who counted life well lost for a thousand a year. Compared to such men, Bond decided, these people were just teenage pillow-fantasies.
Diamonds Are Forever, Ian Fleming.

Bond, are you saying what it sounds like you're saying[1]? I thought you had something of a reputation as a ladykiller, and you currently are in pursuit of Miss Tiffany Case who is

...very beautiful in a devil-may-care way, as if she kept her looks for herself and didn't mind what men thought of them, and there was an ironical tilt to the finely drawn eye-brows above the wide, level, rather scornful eyes...

Her skin was lightly tanned and without make-up except for a deep red on the lips, which were full and soft and rather moody so as to give the effect of what is called "a sinful mouth". But not, thought Bond, one that often sinned...

There's something a bit odd there on second reading. What does Felix Leiter have to say about Miss Case?

Not surprising she won't have anything to do with men since then.

But as we know, Bond has an almost supernatural attraction, that no woman can resist!

"I'm not going to sleep with you," said Tiffany Case in a matter-of-fact voice, "so don't waste your money getting me tight."

Gosh! It seems as though Bond likes to take to dinner women who have no intention of consummating the affair! But surely we can't draw any other conclusion from this. There's no actual evidence in Diamonds Are Forever that Bond prefers the company of men. Is there?

(To be continued...)

[1] Also, Captain Troop now seems to be fighting something of a rear-guard action in the sequel From Russia With Love.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

The Wisdom of 13-Year Olds

The Year 9s have a different philosophy to the Year 8s.
Pupil M, to Pupil C: Bitch.
Me: Don't call her that.
Pupil C: It's okay.
Me: No it isn't.
Pupil C: No, it is, because a bitch is a dog and dogs bark, and bark comes from a tree and trees are part of nature, and nature is beautiful.
Me, to Pupil M: Can't you just tell her she's beautiful?
Pupil C: I know what she means.

Dream Diary 17

I dreamt I was the Tory candidate in a reality TV election show. Jim, the Labour candidate, was complaining about homophobic comments on my election webpage. I phoned Stan, who deleted them and blocked the user. Jim and I shook hands and sat down to have a coffee. It was very civilised, although we couldn't tell the difference between our policy positions.

Jim wore a charcoal-grey suit with a red tie; I wore a charcoal-grey suit with a blue tie.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Wisdom of 12 Year-Olds

Pick Daisies, Not Fights

one had inscribed in beautiful calligraphy. The other showed me her thought:
A smile means the same thing in every language

each word in a different and unique font. If only we could all follow the simple plans of these girls; if only we could all just get along...

"Sir Sir! Mine's the best isn't it!" "No mine is, right sir?"


(If you have a preference I'll be glad to let Pupils K and M know which is the favourite)

Friday, October 02, 2009

In Which I Give In and Admit That Most Of The Material Of This Blog Is Provided by 11-16 Year Olds

Conversation of the Day:
Pupil K: Sir, will you go to the prom with me.
Me: No
Pupil J: Why Not?
Me: It's not appropriate.
Pupil H: How old are you sir?
Me: I'm [My Age]
Pupil K: My Mum's not [My Age].
Me: So I'm old enough to be your Mum?
Pupil K: Yes... No... I... What?

Sadly this is not the incident most likely to get me fired this week.

Pupil K, it seems, had been asked to the prom by a boy, and said yes, but then he asked someone else. I refrained from pointing out the obvious lesson[1] and went on to say:
Me: You could go on your own and it would be like the last episode of the first series of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, except with less vampires.
Pupil E: No vampires.
Me: That would be less.
Pupil E: I've never seen an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
Pupil H: I have. I liked the story Buffy's Mum told...
Me: ...about how she went on her own and met Buffy's Dad...
Pupil J: What are you on about?

A surprising amount of statistics coursework actually got done that lesson.
Pupil F, who is going through a lot of stuff right now: My notes got soaked and I couldn't stand them so I threw them away.
Me, restraining myself from calling her an idiot: But you've got what you've done on the computer?
Pupil F: Oh, yes, it's all here.
Me: Okay, fine. Sometimes, the only thing to do is throw it away or tear it up or whatever, but next time, try and stop until you're in a better mood and see if you can salvage anything.
Pupil F: Yeah. Yes you're right.
Me: No harm done this time.

When did I become a counsellor for teenagers?

Today's theme tune:

[1] All men are bastards.