Tuesday, December 30, 2008

More Musicals We Don't Live In

Following from this post, here's some things that didn't happen on Christmas Eve, but maybe should have:

Jim: ... and I never ever sway drunkenly!
Me: What never?
Jim: No never!
Me: What never?
Jim: Well... hardly ever.
Entire Pub Acting As Chorus: He hardly ever sways drunkenly! We'll give three cheers and one cheer more for this bloke who's wearing a pinafore.[1]

Also not happening:

Me: You're a bum
You're a punk
Stan: You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
Me: You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot[2]
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last
Stan: I could have been someone
Me: Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
Stan: I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you[3]

This is all just as well. We know what happened the time Dean started a new dance craze using just a flat cap and a Kate Bush sample.

[This has been in drafts for 4 days because I'm unhappy with the formatting]

[1] Later I was not described in these terms by my sisters and my cousins and my aunts:
He butcher's G&S so terribly
that now he is the ruler of the Queens Navee

[2] There's a terrible version of this song by Ronan Keating (who, despite his best efforts can't get the sheer roughness and toughness of Shane Mac Gown's voice) and Marie Brennan (sister of Enya and formerly of Clannad, and a voice who I have much time for, but simply isn't Kirsty MacColl) where this line is changed to "You're cheap and you're haggard"
[3] This didn't happen because of course I always begin by stepping out of the pub and in my worst best brogue declare:
They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me
You were handsome...

Yes I always sing the Kirsty MacColl part. Why? It's tradition.
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