Thursday, December 14, 2006

Films to watch out for over Christmas

Every Christmas, I send out emails with films I claim will be on over the period. In every case, they sound like films you might have heard of, but involve my friend Stan. Anyway, here's a quick recap:

The Lord of the Stans - The Fellowship of the Stan

Jimbo Baggins inherits a magic Stan on his 30th birthday. The wizard Annedalf determines that this is the one Stan, the most powerful and desirable object in middle earth. A fellowship is formed to deal with Stan in some way. Several exciting fight scenes ensue.

The Lord of the Stans - The Two Stans

The fellowship discover that Saruman has cloned Stan. They split up to try and deal with both at once. Several exciting battle scenes ensue.

The Lord of the Stans - The Return of the Stan

More exciting battles as the fate of middle earth is in the balance. Eventually Stan turns up to sort it out. Then the film goes on for about another half hour or so.


By day, shy retiring computer technician Chris Roberts fights for truth and justice by solving technical problems, but by night he becomes millionaire playboy Stan.

The Good, The Bad and Stan

Stan does a Mexican accent for a couple of hours. Eventually someone shoots him.

The Usual Stan

Stan lies through his arse for about 2 hours after being fitted up for a crime.

The Stankillers

A motley group of criminals fail to kill Stan.

Stan's baby

Stan becomes pregnant with the antichrist. Again.

Stan's A series of unfortunate events

Stan goes on a pub crawl.

Gone with the Stan

Frankly, no one gives a damn by this stage.

"Get Stan"

Stan does a Micheal Caine impression for about 2 hours, until eventually someone shoots him.

"Being Stan Malkovich"

Stan works on platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross, until one day he disappears up his own passage.

"Stanablanca" - Stan fights the Nazis while doing a Humphrey Bogart impression. Eventually Igrid[1] Bergman leaves him.

"Breakfast at Stan's"

Stan has breakfast with Audrey Hepburn.

"The Stan who fell to Earth"

Stan does a David Bowie impression. Eventually someone trips him over.

Stan Wars I: The Phantom Stan

Stanakin is a small child with bad hair who turns out to be extraordinarily gifted in the Force. Despite this, it takes really quite a lot of people being killed for the Jedi order to train him. Stan also flys like the very devil himself.

Stan Wars II: Attack of the Stan

Due to some unclear political chicanary, Stanakin, now an adolescent, finds himself at the centre of a plot to tear the Galactic Republic apart in civil war. But worse still, he fancies a girl who treats him like a small child! Anyway, a long and spectacular battle sequence ensues, although Stanakin doesn't get to show off his piloting.

Stan Wars III: Revenge of the Stan

An opening sequence allows Stanakin to show off his piloting once more. But then he's forced to hang around being morose and broody as more politics happens. Boooring. Eventually he turns to the Dark Side, for more reasons than you can shake a stick at. Fairly swiftly he's forced to wear a big black hat, while the other characters do a lot of things that don't really make a lot of sense, except that the setup of Episode IV wasn't all that well thought out to begin with.

Episode IV: A New Stan

Luke Stanwalker, Stanakin's son, heads off into space to try and rescue a princess. He gets to show off his piloting skills, and oh boy! You think Stanakin could fly? Stanwalker is definitely the dogs bollocks. He and Stanakin, now Darth Stanner, dogfight in a chasm on the Death Stan. The Death Stan blows up. Darth Stanner is sent spinning out into space.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Stan

Luke Stanwalker gets plenty of piloting in at the start of the film. However, it's clear that without the force, he'll never fly as well as Darth Stanner, plus, there's always the possibility that he won't meet him in deep space, and instead have to use the light saber or all those other Jedi tricks. Just as Yoda's non-training is about to take effect, Luke flys off to rescue a princess, who's Luke's sister. Darth Stanner has got her again! Anyway, Luke foolishly doesn't try any clever flying tricks, but goes saber to saber. Stanner reveals that he's Stanwalker's father! Luke is so suprised, his hand falls off.

Episode VI: The Return of the Stan

See The Lord of the Stans - The Return of the Stan, but with more piloting.

[1] Or maybe Ingmar Bergman