Films Catch Up May - 2

Ten more films I watched in 2023. There's only one more post after this for 2023 and then I've done all the films.

All the films.

****

1. The Three Musketeers: D’Artagnan (2023)

D’Artagnan is on his way to Paris when he interrupts the attempted kidnapping of a noblewoman; he is almost killed. Arriving in Paris he attempts to join the Musketeers Of The Guard aka The King’s Musketeers; the captain knew his father and is sympathetic, but this is an elite unit and he suggests starting as a cadet. Leaving he spots one of the men in the kidnapping attempt; rushing to intercept him he unintentionally offends three musketeers, all of whom he accepts challenges to duel from, leaving an hour between each.

He loses the man, goes to duel the first musketeer, Athos, to discover his seconds, Porthos and Aramis, are the others he’s agreed to duel. They are astonished and admire his spirit. They begin to fight but are interrupted by the Cardinal’s Guards who try to arrest them as duelling is illegal. The four win the fight; Louis XIII gives them a good tongue lashing but is unofficially pleased that his guards are so capable.

Having made friends with the three musketeers D’Artagnan finds lodgings with Constance, who works for Queen Anne. Some politics appears; Anne is in love with the Duke Of Buckingham, which is bad already but he’s also English (ugh) and as an English minister, suspected of supporting Protestant rebels in La Rochelle. Anne hopes to convince Buckingham to pursue peace; Cardinal Richelieu wants to prove her unfaithful, have her beheaded, then crush the Protestants. Louis’s younger brother (and heir presumptive, Anne and Louis being childless*) Gaston also wants war with the Protestants. Louis doesn’t want to fight.

A dead naked woman is found in Athos’s bed; he’s accused of murder. He’s sentenced to death. D’Artagnan realises the woman is the one being kidnapped in the prologue and he and the others investigate, running into Milady (Eva Green), Richelieu’s coolest and most efficient agent. She tries and fails to kill him. Despite their efforts the musketeers cannot prove Athos’s innocence but he’s freed by his brother, and other Protestant rebels, going into hiding.

The queen gives some of her diamonds to the Duke Of Buckingham. Richelieu finds out and the King insists she wears them to Gaston’s wedding. With the Musketeers confined to their barracks after Athos’s escape, Constance contacts D’Artagnan, who head for England (ugh). Athos joins him, also Milady is in England, trying to get the diamonds. It all comes together at Buckingham’s lavish, indeed rather decadent party; first Milady gets the diamonds, then D’Artagnan gets them back, just in time to save the Queen’s reputation.

But not stop the war, as Athos realises what the Protestants intend to do; he prevents an assassination, getting himself a pardon. The film then ends inconclusively, allowing room for The Three Musketeers: Milady, out in Francophone versions, and which I will presumably see later this year.

I say Francophone; this film is (mostly) in French with subtitles other than some conversations in English with Buckingham or during the film’s brief jaunt to England (ugh) and Milady who has a moment of Italian while flirting with Buckingham. (Also a bit of Latin in the church service.)

The period costumes and sets are good, and the long, long shots, as characters walk through a building, sometimes with hundreds of people all doing things, give a really strong impression of this as a living world. The film pays lip service to the logistics of travel; D’Artagnan is discovered arriving at an inn with a giant barn of a stable for horses and coaches, and his desperate ride to the coast to go to England requires him to change horses. It pays more than lip service to the idea that he’s trying to join the elite firearms unit of the French Army. One of those long shots is D’Artagnan arriving at the Musketeer’s barracks, where amongst many other things some of them are shooting at targets.

And the action scenes? Pretty good. The long single camera shots while stunties run about, fencing three-quarters out of frame, someone fires a blackpowder weapon, the character we’re following gets knocked down out of the fight, it goes on for a while without being able to see, then they get up and get involved again. It’s confusing in a completely different way to most modern action films which love to cut three times for each attack. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s brilliant but it gives the film it’s own style.

Watch This: Excellent swashbuckling action
Don’t Watch This: Brawling men hide infidelity, fail to prevent a disasterous war

* For now, see the history of Louis XIV for more details

2. Robocop

The city of Detroit is falling apart. Many functions including the police have been privatised and taken over by Omni-Consumer Products (OCP). They have a plan to automate policing with a heavily armed drone ED-209. But this isn’t a documentary, it’s a near future satire.

The ED-209 goes wrong, killing an executive. There’s an alternative, the Robocop program. Alex Murphy is assigned to Metro West and assigned Anne Lewis as a partner. Their first call goes wrong and Murphy is captured, tortured and mutilated by a gang led by Clarance Boedecker. His body is recovered, and belongs to OCP so they cyborg-ise him into Robocop.

Initially Robocop seems to be the perfect cop, though even more violent than the extremely violent normal cop vs criminal interactions in Detroit that’s falling apart. But the executive who got promoted on the back of it has made enemies. And one of those enemies has their fingers in all the pies, including reaching down to Clarance Boedecker’s gang. Meanwhile Murphy starts to have dreams and memories, and begins tracking down the conspiracy.

The satire hits like a sledgehammer. The drug on the street is called Nuke. There’s a luxury car that is advertised everywhere that has terrible gas mileage and is called the SUX 6000. There’s a lot of violent gunfights and mutilation. When the police go on strike the city falls into anarchy. The film tries quite hard to convince you it’s stupid. It’s not. It’s very nearly as clever as it wants to be. And as funny.

Watch This: Violent action satire with several amazing pitch black jokes
Don’t Watch This: It has aged like a fine wine, real events pulling the teeth of the satire

3. Bedelia (1946)

It’s 1938 and Bedelia and her husband Charlie Carrington, an architect/builder, are on honeymoon. Bedelia doesn’t like being photographed and resists being sketched by artist Ben Chaney. However her husband wants her portrait painted and extols the virtues of his home county for painters. But we know something is up. Chaney had been in a jewelers earlier, where Bedelia had a ring reset; the black pearl worth 100,000 francs. When questioned she says it’s just paste, costume, not worth anything.

They return to Northern England where Bedelia settles in, slightly awkwardly with Charlie’s business partner Ellen, who he’s used to spending a lot of time with. Chaney turns up and rents a cottage, taking their housekeeper’s sister as his housekeeper. He paints, and insinuates himself into their life. Then Charlie falls ill and he has a private conversation with the doctor, who then employs a nurse to stringently oversee everything Charlie eats and drinks.

We’ve seen enough noir, mysterious bride thrillers to see where this is going. The final set of explanations and confrontations is somewhat laboured and mannered. A very English understatement to them. Yet devastating in the end.

Watch This: Mysterious bride noir with some well-sketched characters
Don’t Watch This: Slow and too interested in characters who fall away before the conclusion

4. Rocky

Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) is a boxer in Philadelphia, he’s maybe washed up, Mickey (Burgess Meredith) the trainer at the gym has given his locker to someone else. He doesn’t think Rocky’s got it in him, and he disapproves of Rocky’s day job as a collector for a loan shark. Rocky’s depressed by this, but tries to bounce back by courting Adrian (Talia Shire), the sister of his friend Paulie (Burt Young), a shy woman working in a pet store.

Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) heavyweight champion of the world is in town, intending to fight a title match on New Years Day. It’s America’s Bicentennial (1976) and it’s Philadelphia, the birthplace of the nation, he’s all about the razzamatazz. But five weeks before the fight the challenger injures his hand. Unable to find a suitable contender they decide to pick a local fighter and Apollo likes Rocky’s nickname, The Italian Stallion.

Rocky thinks he’s been called in to be a sparring partner, initially refuses, reluctantly accepts when they offer him an enormous amount of money. Having split with Mickey he begins by training on his own, including punching sides of beef at Paulie’s work. He and Mickey finally reconcile and they train in earnest. Apollo doesn’t take Rocky seriously, thinking of the business and show sides, doesn’t see how Rocky’s beef punching (shown on TV) shows his strength and commitment.

Rocky works through his self-doubt, starts dating Adrien, falls out with Paulie, makes up with him. Already a local character his new found fame has lots of people cheering him on. He gets into the ring and Apollo, over-confident, finds himself up against a fighter he can’t knock down.

A sports movie, a boxing movie, where the underdog rises to the challenge. But boxing is just the lens through which we see Rocky. He didn’t take the boxing as seriously as he should, but when the chance comes he seizes it despite his doubts. Paulie and Adrien’s lives are also shown, Paulie impulsive, never quite learns but he does come through. Adrien slowly blossoms with Rocky’s attention. Stallone wrote the film, and turned down large offers for the rights in return for taking the lead role, which made him a star, and with this series an icon of American cinema.

Watch This: Superlative rags to riches American sports film, lifted by the closely observed writing, acting and rough, working class neighbourhood
Don’t Watch This: Man slurs his words, punches people

5. Casino Royale (2006)

Bondman begins! In a black and white opening sequence James Bond (Daniel Craig) confronts a traitorous British spy in Prague. He’s confident he won’t be killed as M would have sent a 00, and to do that you need two kills and according to the file Bond has… anyway Bond kills him and in the opening credits is a brief computer screen that gives him his number 007.

He's sent to Madagascar after a bomb maker, it goes wrong and he kills him inside an embassy and is recorded on CCTV. Returning to London he’s put on leave by an annoyed M, but he’s got a lead that takes him to a fancy resort in the Bahamas. There he beats his suspect Dimitrios at poker, winning his car and seducing his wife.

Dimitrios is called to the yacht of mysterious evil financier Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelson), who puffs on an inhaler and has a scarred eye that weeps blood (nothing sinister). He’s the villain! Le Chiffre is a banker for criminals and terrorists, he’s taken the money from an African warlord and put it all on Skyfleet’s stock going down. Dimitrios was supposed to provide someone to attack the Skyfleet’s new plane*, but Bond killed him. He’s got another guy though and heads for Miami; Bond leaves Dimitrios’s wife to track him, gets spotted and has to kill Dimitrios, then stop the bomber in a spectacular and potentially Skyfleet stock effecting fight/chase sequence at Miami airport.

Le Chiffre has lost his client’s money, but he’s got a plan to make good his losses before they murder him; a high stakes poker game at Casino Royale in Montenegro. Unfortunately for M Bond is the best card player they have so he is sent there with Vesper Lynd (Eva Green) of the Treasury. Bond finds himself at risk of bluff and betrayal at the card table and off it.

Bond’s back and he’s violent and morally grey again! Greyer even. The villain is a banker, backed by shadowy figures embodied by Mr White. And for once he actually seems a little vulnerable. He might be an unstoppable force of murder and vengeance, but he gets hurt doing it, physically, mentally and even morally. What if… what if a Bond film had something to say?

Anyway, Bond gets a couple of women killed, violates an embassy, shows a bit of emotion and then buries it entirely. Pretty much par for the course.

Watch This: Bond returns to it’s roots, and projects into the 21^st century, making the series relevant again
Don’t Watch This: A violent, repressed man kills people, causes chaos

* In a later scene M tells Bond that after 9/11 stocks fell and someone, Le Chiffre, made a fortune. They have retooled Bond for the war on terror and they are not afraid to say so on screen.

6. Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts

Planet-sized planet-eating Transformer Unicron attacks the planet of the Maximals, animal themed Transformers. Unicron's army, the Terrorcons, want the transwarp key so they can travel through time and space without limit. The Maximals escape with the key and hide it on ancient Earth, split in two.

In 1994 Elena, a New York museum intern whose credit is all taken by her boss, discovers a piece of the transwarp key in an artefact. Across town Noah, former military electronics expert, is reluctantly stealing a Porsche to pay for his brother’s healthcare, only to discover it’s not a regular car but Mirage, an Autobot*. When the transwarp key signal goes off, Mirage takes Noah with him to the museum where they are attacked by Terrorcons.

So we get two humans accompanying some robots on a globe-trotting adventure to find a Transformer gizmo that will threaten the Earth if the bad guys get it, which inevitably leads to an apocalyptic final confrontation. It’s a Transformers film in other words. There’s one or two innovations, at one point Mirage forms an armoured suit for Noah and the 1994 date has them using contemporary music, but that’s probably it. Unless you want robots that look a bit like animals. That’s cool I guess.

Watch This: Robot fights
Don’t Watch This: You want something other than robot fights

 * Obviously there’s no Transformer toys or cartoons in this 1994, but it does raise the question of how in continuity this film is with other Transformer films. It’s fairly clearly a sequel to Bumblebee but it seems unlikely it makes sense as a prequel to Transformers (2007). Oh well.

7. Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse

In Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse Miles Morales becomes Spider-Man after the death of his world’s Peter Parker, also discovers that there are other universes and other Spider-Mans. Amongst them are another Peter Parker who’s sad (gets his mojo back) and Gwen Stacey (“Spider-Gwen” though I think she goes by Spider-Woman). In the climax they learn that spending too much time in the wrong universe causes you to go all weird and fuzzy (it’s a cartoon, this looks like a computer glitch).

This film opens with Gwen explaining her deal in her world, then a Renaissance-styled Vulture appears from another universe. Her dad is the police chief who believes Spider-Woman is a murderer; she reveals her identity and he tries to arrest her. She defeats Vulture with the help of two other Spider-Mans who make her part of the Spider-Society, a multi-universal Spider team with items that stabilise cross-universal existence.

Miles Morales is doing the classic Spider-Man thing; trying to balance school, family and super-heroics. He’s disappointing his police officer Dad (due a promotion to captain soon); late to a college application meeting and finds himself fighting Spot, a scientist from the multiverse project in the last film who is infested with portals (the spots). He blames Miles, and also tells him he made him, the spider which bit him coming from another universe. Then the Spot accidentally portals inside himself, learns how to travel to other universes, where he tries to empower himself by using their multiverse projects.

Gwen comes to Miles’s universe after Spot, takes the opportunity to meet Miles. He then secretly follows her through a portal to another, vertical Indian city universe, with it’s own Spider-Man Pavitir Prabhakar. With them and punk Spider-Man Hobie, they fail to stop Spot from getting to the collider, and Miles sees visions of the future in which Police Captain Singh, the father of Pavitir’s girlfriend, is killed. When this future event occurs, Miles intervenes, saving Singh. This causes things to go wrong, lots more inter-universal Spider-Mans arrive to deal with it and they go to the home of the Spider-Society, a complex filled with hundreds of Spider-Mans and other stuff.

Miles messed up because every Spider-Man has “canon events”. These have to occur or that universe and Spider-Man will be disconnected from the “arachno-humanoid-polymultiverse”. Miguel O’Hara, Spiderman 2099, leader of the Spider-Society explains all this, and also that something went wrong in Miles’ universe; Peter Parker wasn’t supposed to die, and the spider was supposed to bite someone else in it’s own universe. He thinks this has proven that point as Miles interrupted a “canon event”. One of these is the death of a police captain close to a Spider-Man, which happens to every Spider-Man.

Miles’s dad is about to be promoted to Captain, so Miles escapes to try and save him, eventually convincing Gwen and some of her friends that O’Hara has gone too far.

After two and a quarter hours of this, he’s left in a cliffhanger.

An extraordinary cartoon, with the styles of different universes and their respective Spider-Mans made distinct, not attempting to unite them. I’d say this is distracting, but it’s the whole point. It’s visually noisy, offering different ideas and motifs even as the plot comments of the idea of multi-verses and the various Spider-Mans, surprisingly few of whom were invented for this film. As well as giving Miles a full story, our villain Spot, driven weirdly impossibly mad gets a full focus. Gwen’s backstory is fleshed out, then turns up again at the moment where she has to make her choice (the same one she’s always made). And Peter Parker (no not that one) is now a married man and father to a Spider-Baby, getting to be a hero and Spider-Man again has given him his potency back. A good sequel to the high bar that Spider-Man Into The Spider-Verse set.

Still I’m left with the question. How many years will I have to wait for the cliffhanger to be resolved?

Watch This: Amazing cartoon Spider-Adventure
Don’t Watch This: Confusing, noisy, busy screens while a whisker-thin thread of a plot unravels

8. Asterix: The Secret Of The Magic Potion

The druid Getafix falls from a tree while gathering mistletoe. Realising he’s getting old and his magic potion the only thing preventing his village from being occupied by the Romans he decides to seek a successor. He sends out invitations to a meeting of druids, one of which is intercepted by an old rival Demonix.

Asterix and Obelix escort him; the most inventive of Getafix’s students, a girl called Pectine, stows away in the cauldron. After some shenanigans Getafix gets a list of promising young druids. However the chief of the village wants to go with him to approve of the replacement, so they cross Gaul, leaving only the bard Cacofonix and the village women with a reserve of magic potion to hold off the Romans.

There’s an amusing trip across the country seeing a variety of druid tricks. Meanwhile Demonix plots and the Romans plan to attack the village, leading to a finale that gets out of hand but eventually reaches the expected ending.

Watch This: Modern CGI Asterix cartoon adventure
Don’t Watch This: The spectacular zooms are distracting and every character is too over the top.

9. The Witches Of Eastwick

Three single women, Alex, Jane and Sukie, in the small town of Eastwick accidentally form a coven of witches. Discussing perfect men they invoke something and Daryl Van Horne (Jack Nicholson) comes to town. He buys a mansion. For a while no one can recall his name. Everyone is charmed and intrigued except Felicia, the devoutly Christian wife of the newspaper editor. When Sukie recalls his name there’s chaos and Felicia falls and breaks her leg.

Daryl then goes on to seduce all three of the women in various unlikely ways, the three initially jealous but coming to terms with the strange situation. Odder and odder things happen. Eventually they realise that Daryl is sinister and turn his magic back on him, though not before there is a final twist.

It’s a comedy, and Daryl’s charming malevolence nicely counterpoints the town’s boring and self-satisfied assumption of virtue.

Watch This: Fun and funny occult comedy thriller
Don’t Watch This: The film doesn’t take seriously the only person who sees what Daryl is, and then she dies horribly.

10. Shanghai Noon

In the Forbidden City in 1881, Princess Pei-Pei (Lucy Liu) runs away to America with her American tutor. Receiving a ransom demand, the Emperor sends three Imperial Guard and a translator to pay it and get her back. Chon Wang (Jackie Chan) insists on joining the group, and the translator, his uncle, lets him.

The exchange is to take place in Carson City Nevada. The train they’re on is robbed by Roy O’Bannon (Owen Wilson) and his gang. O’Bannon tries to take it calmly, the best robbery being well planned and without violence, but new member Wallace shoots the translator and there’s a big train fight, with Chon Wang unhitching the engine. The gang is taken over by Wallace who bury O’Bannon up to his neck.

Chon Wang, separated from the others, finds O’Bannon, asks for directions, then leaves him two chopsticks in his mouth to dig himself up*, delaying their inevitable team up. Chon Wang rescues a Sioux by accident, and brought back to their camp marries a Sioux woman (Brandon Merrill) in a daze of confusion. Chon Wang and his wife go into town and encounter O’Bannon in a saloon; a bar fight starts and they’re both locked up. Now they team up as Chon Wang’s wife helps them escape.

Inevitably Pei-Pei finds that the tutor has been bribed by a Chinese exile, Lo Fang, who runs a camp of Chinese labourers building the railways. The film then meanders through a variety of Western cliches (the Marshal is corrupt, working for Lo Fang; they’re sentenced to hang; O’Bannon talks Chon Wang through how to shoot; there’s a confrontation at a mission etc). Owen Wilson does the Owen Wilson thing, where he's a laid back 21^st Century Californian who is also a 19^th Century outlaw. Jackie Chan does the Jackie Chan thing where he does extraordinary stunts and a lot of slapstick that’s good and jokes where he’s embarrassed that are hit and miss. Lucy Liu does the princess thing of refusing to abandon the Chinese in the camp, so has to be rescued a lot, despite kicking ass.

Watch This: Sporadically entertaining historical action east-meets-west comedy
Don’t Watch This: You don’t like kung fu and want better jokes

* He succeeds, off-screen