Friday, September 08, 2006

The Trial Part 2

Stan: So, to recap, you were married by fairies, or, as 'politically correct' people call them, the sidhe, at the Glastonbury Festival, for a year and a day, which has now passed, thus lapsing your marriage.

Jim: Well, yes, but it wasn't quite like that...

Stan: I think we've heard enough of what it wasn't like. Perhaps you could explain why you didn't attempt to adjust the sidhe calender to extend your marriage.

Queen Mab: As a point of information, I would like it noted that the sidhe calender is the turning of the seasons, the motion of the heavens, the growing of the trees and grass; as we are part of the fundamental nature of the universe, our measure of time is time itself.

Stan: So the question I put to you, Jim, is this; why did you make no attempt alter the flow of time, when you knew that, unadjusted, the unidirectional nature of the time continuum would inevitably lead to the end of your marriage?

Jim: Change time? I don't know anything about this...

Stan: Did you even go to school? Why do you think course such as Introductory Cosmology and Basic Quantum Chronodynamics[1] are on the curriculum? For precisely this kind of situation! Why, can you even tell me how many dimensions there are?

Jim: Ten! No, Twenty Six. No, Ten. No...

Stan: Quite. Time is merely one of these dimensions; by leveraging one of the other dimensions, you could stretch time to allow you to consult with a professional dimensional engineer. I have an expert witness here, who may clarify the situation...

Professor Stephen Hawking: Thank you Stan. By swapping dimensions, Jim could have travelled in time by travelling in space, which would...

Jim: Professor, if there are Twenty Six, or maybe Ten dimensions, why can we only see Four?

Professor Hawking: You can actually only see Three, Time is perceived by it's effect on objects in the other Three...

Jim: Right, but what about the other Twenty Two? Or even Six? Wouldn't we notice? I mean, wouldn't monsters burst out of other dimensions?

Professor Hawking: They are all rolled up very small.

Jim: So small that we can't see them, or indeed detect them? So small that they only have existence within the high energy density of a Chromatic Bond between quarks, where their particular configuration leads to the fundamental constants and constraints of the univers?[2]

Professor Hawking: Not that small. Small enough to store in Stan's cellar.

Stan: Yes, I have Twenty One, or sometimes Five dimensions rolled up in my cellar.

Jim: So One dimension is missing?

Stan: Not so much missing as lent out...

Jim: One of the fundamental elements of the universe and you lent it out?

Stan: Sure. How else could people alter time, space and the nature of the universe to avoid, for example, being embarassingly chatted up by their sister's friends?

Jim: [inaudible]

Stan: Hey, it's not too late, I could get it back from Neil, who is even now rescuing himself from a toilet in 2000.

Jim: Just to clarify - what's the charge again?

Queen Mab: Clerk - please read the charge.

To be Concluded...

[1] This is a fairly bad physics in-joke. Sorry.
[2] Yeah, yeah. I haven't really looked into this for nine years, so I may edit this section later to include new developments and remove my confusion and ignorance.

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