The Haunted Saucepan

 

The Haunted Saucepan

You can order kitchenware and furniture online and have them delivered. You can go to a store during normal hours and buy there, take them home straight away. But Jen dragged me out at some ungodly hour on a Saturday anyway.

There are bargains to be had at the car boot fair, but only if you get there early enough. So early there’s still dew on the grass and people are unloading their goods.

Jen told me their strategy as we stood by the breakfast van, eating bacon sandwiches and drinking milky tea. I didn’t listen. The food was good. Especially for someone whose new flat had no cooking implements.

Jen thought I was too fussy about details, and too unwilling to bargain. We found someone selling a whole load of pots, pans and other kitchen bits and bobs. Good spoons and whisks amongst the once-used presents, egg coddlers, bacon mincers. Obviously used, mixed and matched, but in good condition.

“Probably stolen,” I muttered to Jen, seeing the price, which was a real steal.

“More likely from an estate sale,” she replied. “Are these clean?”

The man, bundled in flat cap and raincoat nodded enthusiastically. “Scrubbed them out myself squire.”

“So why does it smell of soup?”

It wasn’t just the smell. When I looked closely I could make it out, shimmering in the watery sunlight. Roiling beef stock unearthing pieces of vegetable, a rich aroma. Utterly transparent.

“Tell you what guv,” said the man. “I’ll throw in a ladle. The ghost comes free.”

So what you’re actually smelling is the spirit of last week’s curry. But not to worry. I’ll get these onions softening and the ghost will clear it away. In anticipation of tonight’s meal.

You want to know what you can do? The tablecloth’s on the sideboard and the glasses and knives and forks in the cupboard. That’ll be handy.

But you’ll need to set an extra place. Otherwise the ghost gets hungry. We found out that’s very unpleasant.

(Originally published on my Patreon 12 months ago. Subscribe to have them sent to you be email or by post)