Water Closet
For 12 months this story has been behind my Patreon paywall. Now you can read this slightly fictionalised account of how "water closets" aka WCs aka toilets came to be invented.
If you subscribe you can read them as they are published, and if you go in for a higher level I'll send it to you as a postcard. Anyway:
Water Closet
“Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present the most modern, efficient and hygienic of all possible devices for aiding one in relieving oneself – the water closet!”
For some reason the audience was unimpressed. “So let me see if I understand,” said Professor Donnington, chairing that month’s meeting of the inventor’s guild. “This contraption is supposed to be used for one’s personal ablutions.”
“Quite so,” said the proud presenter.
“Mr Lavatory,” said the professor, “it appears that one enters from above.”
Lavatory nodded and pointed out the steep yet serviceable steps. “Luxury models might include a winch that could run off a household electricity supply, or if such modern conveniences are unavailable, by having a burly manservant turn the handle to activate a pulley system...”
“And the closet is filled with water.”
The audience stirred in dismay. “So I’m supposed to swim in my own filth? What and drink it in?” one said.
“Not at all,” said Lavatory. “Circulation of the fluid will remove the, ah wastes, and one breaths through this tube the other end of which emerges from the water...”
“The glass walls seem somewhat immodest,” remarked Mrs Ponting.
Lavatory realised he was losing his audience. “A screen or curtain might provide some privacy, or one might introduce weeds or fish to conceal the activities...”
There was a gurgling sound and with a surprisingly small amount of drama it collapsed washing Lavatory off stage and away. A pair of burly workmen stoically removed the rest of the contraption and mopped the boards.
“Thank you Mr Lavatory for a most fascinating presentation. I fear your water closet requires some refinement. Now, please welcome our next member, Miss B. Icicle and her wheeled velocipede.”
If you subscribe you can read them as they are published, and if you go in for a higher level I'll send it to you as a postcard. Anyway:
Water Closet
“Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present the most modern, efficient and hygienic of all possible devices for aiding one in relieving oneself – the water closet!”
For some reason the audience was unimpressed. “So let me see if I understand,” said Professor Donnington, chairing that month’s meeting of the inventor’s guild. “This contraption is supposed to be used for one’s personal ablutions.”
“Quite so,” said the proud presenter.
“Mr Lavatory,” said the professor, “it appears that one enters from above.”
Lavatory nodded and pointed out the steep yet serviceable steps. “Luxury models might include a winch that could run off a household electricity supply, or if such modern conveniences are unavailable, by having a burly manservant turn the handle to activate a pulley system...”
“And the closet is filled with water.”
The audience stirred in dismay. “So I’m supposed to swim in my own filth? What and drink it in?” one said.
“Not at all,” said Lavatory. “Circulation of the fluid will remove the, ah wastes, and one breaths through this tube the other end of which emerges from the water...”
“The glass walls seem somewhat immodest,” remarked Mrs Ponting.
Lavatory realised he was losing his audience. “A screen or curtain might provide some privacy, or one might introduce weeds or fish to conceal the activities...”
There was a gurgling sound and with a surprisingly small amount of drama it collapsed washing Lavatory off stage and away. A pair of burly workmen stoically removed the rest of the contraption and mopped the boards.
“Thank you Mr Lavatory for a most fascinating presentation. I fear your water closet requires some refinement. Now, please welcome our next member, Miss B. Icicle and her wheeled velocipede.”
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