Cat-a-clysm

I'm cat-, bird- and fish-sitting for a couple of weeks. My friend Jim has sent me the following instructions on how to deal with the cats:

1. Cats mostly subsist on air and sunlight, so the easiest way to feed them is to leave the doors and windows open.

2. Obviously cats also require trace nutrients; simply leave the cat food sack open and they will regulate themselves.

3. The cats are very lazy (being cold-blooded) so must be walked twice a day, on a lead.

4. Cat hair is an excellent coffee filter, so feel free to shave the cats and filter your coffee with their hair.

5. If you have a problem, simply mail the cat back to the manufacturer:

1 Cat Lane,
Cat Ass Trophy,
CatManDu