Films Catch Up 12

Some films I watched last year

1. Carry On Cleo

From 1964, this film riffs off the 1963 film Cleopatra*, classical sources and the Shakespeare plays Julius Caesar and Antony And Cleopatra. Neither historical accuracy not literary fidelity are allowed to get in the way of the jokes, or anything else for that matter.

We open in Britain where Julius Caesar (Kenneth Williams) is conquering the place. The native Britons live in caves, wear the classic caveman one shoulder skin garment, and marry by the man clubbing the woman over the head and dragging her home by the hair**. Horsa, a strong warrior (Jim Dale) moves in next-cave to Hengist*** Pod (Kenneth Connor), a wheelwright who makes square wheels. They’re captured, sent to Rome and a slave auction. Hengist is destined for the lions when no one buys him, so he and Horsa escape. Hiding in the temple of the Vestal Virgins they’re interrupted as Julius Caesar comes to consult them. An assassination attempt is foiled by Horsa, who escapes; Hengist is given the credit and becomes Caesar’s bodyguard.

Mark Antony (Sid James) has been sent to Egypt to support Ptolemy against his sister Cleopatra (Amanda Barrie); he instead falls under her spell and supports her, then they agree to murder Caesar and form an alliance to rule the world. Caesar sets out for Egypt, only for an assassination attempt on board ship. However Horsa has led a galley slave uprising and kills the assassins, again, leaving Hengist to take the credit, again.

In Egypt a soothsayer predicts Caesar’s death in a series of mildly amusing visions, none of which expose the principals behind plot. Hengist swaps places with Caesar, and visits Cleopatra, who keeps losing the plot, very like the film. There’s a confused ending in which the Britons manage to escape on the galley and Caesar returns to Rome to be assassinated on the Ides of March with one last joke.

Perhaps the best bits are where the Romans, especially Caesar and Antony, are trying to actually get things done, and speaking in faux-Shakespearean manner, only to be interrupted by farcical nonsense. The fight scenes are nothing to write home about, though they might just pass muster for a 1960s low budget swords and sandals romp. In a mixed blessing it does give us the joke “Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me,” a fantastic line spoiled by everyone quoting it non-stop for the last 59 years.

Watch This: Sporadically amusing historical romp
Don’t Watch This: Obviously being part of the Carry On series a parodic farce (or farcical parody) will play fast and loose with history; still some consistency of character and events within the film itself would be nice, as would jokes that aren’t about women causing trouble either as wives or as lovers

* Indeed some of the sets were those from the early attempt to film Cleopatra in London before it was abandoned and restarted in Rome.

** This is not historically accurate.

*** Hengist and Horsa are legendary Anglo-Saxon kings and invaders of Britain, not native Briton names

2. The Raven

Dr Craven (Vincent Price) is sitting in his study, mourning his dead wife Lenore when a Raven comes in. The film assumes you are familiar with the Edgar Allen Poe poem The Raven. At the moment when we might expect the Raven to say (or “quoth”) “nevermore” instead it speaks with the voice of Dr Bedlo (Peter Lorre) insisting he be transformed back into a man.

Bedlo has been transformed by Dr Scarabus (Boris Karloff). He’s the leader of the society of magicians, and Bedlo had challenged him. Craven isn’t a member (nor was his father). At Bedlo’s urging he makes a potion to turn him back.

Initially Craven is going to stop there, refusing Bedlo’s invitation to go to Scarabus’s castle. But then Bedlo reveals he’s seen the ghost of Lenore at the castle, and they’re attacked by Craven’s coachman who is under the control of Scarabus. Joined by Bedlo’s son (a very young Jack Nicholson) and Craven’s daughter they set off.

At the castle Scarabus greets them pleasantly. Bedlo refuses to accept this, challenges him with magic and appears to be destroyed when he conjures a storm. The rest take shelter for the night. However Bedlo is not dead, nor is Lenore who left Craven to become Scarabus’s mistress. And Scarabus intends to steal Craven’s magical secrets, threatening his daughter. Eventually the two master magicians Craven and Scarabus face each other, sitting in chairs, and have a magical duel.

Some of the effects are good (the trained raven with Lorre’s voice is fun) and some weren’t good at the time and aged worse. It’s a comedy horror, and leans deeply into the jokes, with every character trying to take themselves seriously, but all being at odds. Every now and again it remembers it’s a horror and something truly disconcerting occurs.

Watch This: Fun and funny magician duels with just an edge of darkness
Don’t Watch This: You wanted the poem taken seriously

3. Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London

Cody Banks is a 16 year old child soldier for the CIA (the good guys) at a child soldier training camp that’s pretending to be a regular non-military summer camp, because obviously his family don’t know about his role as an agent for the CIA. The obviously unhinged chief camp counsellor Diaz treats it like a (movie) boot camp, at one point telling Cody Banks that he can’t depend on anyone, his friends will let him down. The camp is raided and Diaz is the target; Cody helps him get away, thinking it’s a training exercise.

It wasn’t a training exercise; Diaz has stolen a mind control disc from the secret base under the secret camp*. Cody Banks is sent to London to get it back; he’s undercover at an international youth orchestra. His file claims he plays the oboe, but in fact he just pretended to try and meet girls.

In London he’s met by a CIA handler, who’s been sent to this backwater in disgrace. He has a driver/assistant who has a CIA gadget taxi. They go to a gadget workshop for a gadget scene where he gets some gadgets. It’s in the London Dungeon, which at least has some cover for people going in and out, and maybe strange smells and noises.

In theory we’re now set up for Cody Banks to have to try and maintain his cover and uncover the secrets of the mansion where the youth orchestra are placed, which is the home of Lord Kenworth, suspected of being in league with Diaz**. This is sort of what happens. Then Cody Banks gets into a rocket fight with Diaz and is arrested to discover that Soctland Yard have their own undercover agent in the youth orchestra.

Cody gets kidnapped and mind controlled via dental work, his Mentos sweets are explosive so they detonate them in his mouth to deal with it. The youth orchestra have a concert in Buckingham Palace where a G8 (now G7(again)) meeting is taking place. The bad guys intend to mind control the world leaders and Banks and pals have to stop them. Obviously they do. In the final fight between Banks and Diaz, Diaz, with the upper hand, tells Banks again that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself; then Banks beats him and his friends turn up just in time to arrest him, losing the declared point of the film. As I said, in the footnotes, the film is just sloppy.

It's worth noting that the film refuses to take London, Britain and British people seriously, treating them as a joke, and fair enough. But I don’t have to take this from child-spy knock-off-James-Bond Agent Cody Banks 2 Destination London. A film plotted shoddily, likes jokes about Cody eating weirdly while mind-controlled and has a Tony Blair impersonator but a generic US President, all of whose security are atrocious. Britain may be a joke, but at least we’re funny unlike this film.

Watch This: Because you are on some sort of child-spy movie watching marathon?
Don’t Watch This: Unless your 12 year old insists

* The entrance to the secret base is in the toilet, in the smelly broken cubicle; this is a response to Cody’s objection that CIA child-agents in training would have found a secret base. But this enormous underground base is staffed by several people; are we to assume that they enter and leave through the cubicle and none of the agents-in-training have noticed? Or are they down there for eight weeks every summer until camp is over. How do supplies get in. Who brings in all the dangerous and abandoned projects they store down there. This, I regret to say, is only the first of several problems the film itself draws attention to. It is sloppily constructed as a spy plot.

** They’re using Cody Banks because adult CIA agents might be known but Diaz not only knows Banks, he’s been training him all summer. As I said, the plot is sloppy.

4. The Return Of Dracula (1958)

Vampire hunters think they had trapped Dracula but the coffin is empty; he has tricked them. He has escaped by train, murdering an artist named Bellac Gordal, who is going to California. Dracula takes his place, and goes to meet his distant family there, staying with them. The widowed cousin, Cora, hasn’t seen Bellac for more than twenty years (Atlantic Ocean, World War 2 etc) and her children just-about-adult Rachel and still-a-child-Mickey haven’t ever met him. They think he’s missed the train, as just some odd baggage and a big crate come off, but as they go to leave in the dusk he appears.

Rachel’s fascinated by Bellac to the annoyance of her boyfriend Tim. Mickey likes him too, though he’s odd. Doesn’t seem to want to eat, doesn’t appear during the day (which he claims he spends painting). Mickey’s cat goes missing; when it’s found in the old mine, it’s been mutilated.

Rachel spends a lot of time at the parish house; there she is helping a blind woman, Jennie. Bellac offers her the chance of sight. Later she’s feverish, and dies while Rachel is there. After she’s buried Bellac raises her.

Obviously weird things start to happen. The vampire hunters are on Bellac’s trail but he manages to put them off, though he’s forced to kill one, raising their suspicions. Things come to a head at a Halloween party.

All in all this is a fairly standard vampire-in-America story. There’s a couple of fun bits, Dracula’s appearance and disappearance, and at one point one of the hunters suggests he can’t be Bellac after seeing the pictures he’s painted. No, says another, he was an artist too. Was he? I don’t recall Dracula as artist before this. (He paints Rachel… in a coffin!)

Watch This: Neat vampire film with a couple of twists
Don’t Watch This: This version of Dracula is just trying to lay low, maybe have a few vampire brides, doesn’t really inspire much dread

5. The Vampire (1958)

Dr Beecher visits his friend Dr Campbell. Campbell has been experimenting with animal blood, attempting to learn if it’s possible to regress the mind to a primitive state in order to then advance it. He’s had some success with bat blood pills. Beecher pockets the pills to prevent Campbell using them; Campbell dies. Due to a mix up by his daughter Beecher takes the bat pills.

Beecher visits a patient with a heart condition, then blacks out. The next day she’s dead. There are two puncture wounds on her neck.

The film progresses much as you might imagine, Beecher first investigating the pills to find out why he’s blacking out, getting caught up in the mysterious deaths, eventually coming to the inevitable conclusion. And the other inevitable conclusion; the actor in full beast makeup going on a rampage.

Watch This: Interesting take on vampires perhaps prefiguring Morbius
Don’t Watch This: It’s yet another black and white monster melodrama

6. The Big Boss

A Chinese man goes to Thailand to work in the ice factory with his cousins. He’s promised his mother not to fight any more, which is something of a sacrifice as he’s legendary kung fu actor Bruce Lee. He’s got an amulet to represent his promise. Almost immediately some local thugs start to bully a hot bun seller, straining his promise.

Unfortunately the ice factory is a front for drug smuggling. When some of the cousins discover it they’re killed; two other workers go to confront the big boss (as opposed to the ice factory manager) in his home and ask him about it. They’re also killed. With workers vanishing they go on strike, and thugs are sent to get them back to work. In the confusion Bruce Lee loses his amulet and defeats all the bad guys. He’s promoted to foreman and everyone gets back to work.

Bruce Lee’s invited to the big boss’s house where they drink and have dinner and he’s seduced by one of the women the big boss keeps there. She warns him that he’s in danger and there’s a drug smuggling operation. He breaks into the factory at night to discover the drugs and the heads of some of the missing men in ice blocks. Then he is attacked by far too many thugs, who he kills.

Unfortunately his cousins have been killed in the meantime and his last cousin, the only female cousin, has been taken to the big boss’s house. So there will be a final confrontation.

The first of Bruce Lee’s Hong Kong films. There’s some good fighting scenes and stunts and the ice factory itself is pretty good, both as backdrop and later fight arena. The plot and characters are otherwise paper thin.

Watch This: Lots of kung fu action
Don’t Watch This: If you want happy endings or a plot that does anything more than string fights together

7. Dungeons And Dragons: Honor Amongst Thieves

I read a lot of Dragonlance back in the day, messed with Greyhawk and had some fun with Kara-Tur, three other D&D settings. Obviously they’ve gone all in with The Forgotten Realms, the setting for this film, one I know nothing about (is Waterdeep a city here? Icewind Dale? I think Kara-Tur is the “Fantasy Asia” to Forgotten Realms's “Fantasy Europe”).

Edgin, a bard, and Holga, a barbarian, are in prison. Edgin explains his backstory to a parole board; they’re hoping for a particular member to arrive so he goes in some detail. He was a member of the Harpers, a generically good secret society. Then a Red Wizard he arrested killed his wife, leaving him a single father and he turned his skills to thieving.

They put together a crew, or rather an adventuring party, of Edgin, Holga, Edgin’s daughter Kira (who has an invisibility charm), sorcerer Simon and con man Forge Fitzwilliam. They attempt their greatest heist, to steal a Tablet Of Reawakening, the only artefact capable of bringing back Edgin’s wife (and Kira’s mother). It goes wrong and Edgin and Holga are captured and imprisoned. The bird-man member of the parole board arrives and they grab him, burst out the window, ride him to the ground and escape, failing to learn that their tragic story has earned their release.

They travel to the city of Neverwinter to discover that the previous lord is ill and Forge is now the lord. He’s adopted Kira and lied to her, claiming that the heist was for a tablet of wealth (or something). Then he turns them over to Sofina, a red wizard, telling Kira that he gave them the tablet of wealth and left without her. It turns out that Forge and Sofina had worked together to capture the others, and steal something else from the vault.

Edgin and Holga escape, decide to steal the tablet, prove Edgin’s innocence to Kira, also steal all of Forge’s wealth to serve him right. Obviously the tablet and treasure are in a magic vault under the castle, so they track down Simon for magic help. He in turn has them recruit Doric. She’s a tiefling (part demon) who lives in a wood elf community; the forest is being logged under Forge’s orders. Doric can shapeshift, and so becomes a fly to spy on the vault’s defences; Sofina spots her and there’s a spectacular CGI shape-changing chase.

Obviously to get into the vault they need a magical artefact, or possibly two, which they go a quest for. They meet a paladin, who only does good; he’s Thayan, from the home of the red wizards, but left and opposes them because they turned everyone there undead. Which was bad. The film plays a bit with the abilities and limitations of all this magic stuff, there’s a gladiatorial contest (once banned, now reinstated by Forge) which is subverted, the red wizard plan is revealed and thwarted, and everyone learns a bit about what’s important (not gold*).

I enjoyed every part of it, and if, in the end, it didn’t really cohere, if there was a mishmash of personal and apocalyptic threats and motives, if the characters were paper-thin and the various magic gadgets and spells were used to shortcut some interesting bits in favour of other bits, well so what. I’ve played D&D that’s like that, and I watch films like that. The CGI nonsense and silly fantasy setting work okay; there’s thirty years of people working on the backdrop of Forgotten Realms so even if it’s silly, it doesn’t fall apart at the first attempt to poke at it.

Watch This: Fun fantasy adventure that uses the ideas of dungeons and dragons cleverly and well
Don’t Watch This: It’s a found family of rogues fighting CGI monsters, and the actual deep feelings and tragedies they’ve experienced are played for laughs

* So much for gp for xp

8. Bulldog Drummond’s Secret Police

Hugh “Bulldog” Drummond is intending to get married (again) to his fiancée Phyllis Clavering. To avoid any adventure interrupting this time, he’s at home, and has opened up the old house Temple Towers*. Professor Downie arrives, with an old book written in code that suggests there’s a treasure hidden in the house, from the Civil War. Drummond is tempted, but has to concentrate on the matter in hand; finally getting married, despite the best efforts of his best man Algy to cause chaos.

A gang led by Downie’s assistant have infiltrated as servants taken on for the wedding/opening of the house. They murder Downie and steal the book. Attempting to find the treasure they kidnap Phyllis. Drummond and his pals (Colonel Nielsen dubs them “Bulldog Drummond’s Secret Police”) must uncover the frankly outrageous set of secret tunnels and lairs and rescue Phyllis.

Watch This: Pacy, ridiculous treasure-hunting adventure
Don’t Watch This: It’s silly, also who has been maintaining all these secret doors and traps in the (twenty years?) the house has been shut up?

* Previously Drummond has been seen living in Rockingham Grange (lodge? I’m not going back to check on this) and this big house has never been mentioned. 

9. The Blue Lamp

It’s 1949 in West London. There’s an old copper, George Dixon, who might retire soon. There’s a young one, Andy Mitchell, a new recruit who he’s helping on the night beat. Dixon and his wife offer to rent Mitchell a room.

Meanwhile Diana leaves her home, where her parents are always fighting. She goes to live with her boyfriend Tom. Tom’s a criminal, and he and his mate get Diana to work at a cinema. They’re going to rob it on a Saturday night. They make themselves visible in the bar of a nearby theatre, loudly ordering drinks while using their names before asking for them to be kept while they listen to a singer.

Dixon confronts them during the robbery, but he’s old-fashioned, not used to the new style of violent criminals* and he’s shot and dies. The whole police force swing into action. It’s Mitchell who finds a clue, the revolver, when a small child discovers it. She refuses to talk to the police initially but he wins her over.

It’s a police procedural before such a thing had quite been codified. It wants to have a moral message - these new young thugs aren’t like the old fashioned gentleman criminal; juvenile delinquency leads to serious crime; and it all starts with problems at home. Old fashioned yet it has more than historical curiosity, the ensemble cast having their own character outside the plot.

Watch This: A classic crime film, with lots of period detail
Don’t Watch This: Very preachy

* Were they in the war?

10. Bringing Out The Dead

In 90s New York paramedic Frank Pierce (Nicholas Cage) is depressed, unable to sleep, haunted by a girl he was unable to save and how he hasn’t been able to save anyone after that. He goes out with his partner and they have various surreal incidents. They take a Mr Burke into the over-loaded hospital. He meets Mary Burke, his daughter, a recovering addict who knows one of the addicts who the paramedics regularly take in. They also encounter a dead addict who has taken the Red Death branded heroin.

Frank tries to take time off, or resign, but his captain* won’t let him, though his partner isn’t there. Instead he gives him another partner, who is a devout Christian. After a shift where they encounter both Mary, Mr Burke (still in the emergency section, no room in the wards) and Red Death, they eventually crash the ambulance.

Pierce, unable to sleep the next day, tracks Mary to a drug den. Desperate for some sleep he takes what he’s offered but has nightmarish hallucinations, though not enough to prevent a third night shift with a third partner, where several threads come together in a convoluted series of endings.

Watch This: For a darkly absurd look at trying to save lives
Don’t Watch This: You’d like some of it to make sense

* The structure of Emergency Medical Services in New York City is beyond the scope of this review, but they are either part of the Fire Department or use the Fire Department ranks for management roles depending on exactly what branch and when this is set.