The Tradesman For The Job

12 months ago I posted this on my Patreon for subscribers and if you have needed such a tradesman for that time I can only apologise and suggest you patronise me. Still, at last, here it is.

The Tradesman For The Job

It was an old house. No one knew for sure how old. It had appeared in nineteenth century photographs and in an eighteenth century sketch you could go and see in the town archives (Monday, Wednesday, Friday 9 AM to 12 Noon, by appointment only). The land survey records were somewhat unclear, and it had been cheap to buy after the previous owner died, partly because I then had to spend considerable time, effort and money to prove the title to the property.

And now, this.

“There’s a chap who deals with this sort of thing,” I was told by a friendly old buffer in the New Inn (the oldest pub in town of course, they really knew all about English eccentricity here). I was willing to try anything after the sleepless nights, the fruitless searches, the endless stressful waiting for it to begin again. Anything, even several pints of the local stout and a minced beef pie to try and knock me out for the evening.

Even hiring a so-called expert.

He turned up in his van just before sunset. “Don’t worry, I don’t charge extra for late hours,” he said as he rolled out of his dusty grey van, a large, scruffy man, pale hair starting to thin. “It’s my usual time.” He put his hands on his hips and looked at the house and sucked in through his teeth. “Old house like that, it’s either the pipes or restless spirits. Yep, this is one for me alright.” He wandered into the house without a by-your-leave, and I glanced at the van one more time. Clive Grant, Paranormal Plumber.

As the sun vanished behind the trees of next door gardens the sounds began. A few hoots to start, then a long keening, some knocking and laughing and finally scream after scream. After half an hour of this Clive returned, wiping his hands. “Yep, it’s the pipes alright,” he said. “Seems as though they ripped out the old plumbing in the 80s but didn’t exorcise it. House is haunted by the spirit of an old Victorian riser pipe.”