April Films Update 3

Ten more films I watched in 2025. Are we done with last year yet? No, no we are not.

****

1. Blue Harvest

In this episode of the Family Guy cartoon, the power goes out in their home so Peter Griffin decides to tell a story. As it happens the story he tells is the first Star Wars film, Episode IV A New Hope, with the major characters portrayed by Family Guy characters.

Following the plot fairly closely they add in a variety of jokes: some rather tired Star Wars commentary; some Family Guy (Obi-Wan Kenobe is portrayed by Herbert the Pervert, an old man who finds Luke Skywalker – Chris Griffin – attractive); some more interesting and imaginative. For example as the soundtrack swells, Luke introduces Star Wars composer John Williams – and the London Symphony Orchestra who played the music. This takes place at his Uncle and Aunt’s home destined to be attacked by stormtroopers; when they return not only are the aunt and uncle dead but so is John Williams, who has to be replaced by Danny Elfman, only for Luke to cut his head off with a lightsaber.

The small gags are hit and miss. Inessential for Star Wars, not much more for Family Guy.

Watch This: Some fun Star Wars jokes
Don’t Watch This: Watch the Robot Chicken Star Wars episodes

2. The Next Karate Kid

Mr Miyagi (Pat Morita) from The Karate Kid, The Karate Kid Part II, and The Karate Kid Part III travels to Arlington Virginia to take part in a ceremony honouring his World War 2 unit*. Going to stay in Boston with Louise Pierce, the widow of his commanding officer, he learns about her troubled granddaughter Julie (Hilary Swank) who Louise is now the guardian of after Julie’s parents died in a car accident. Julie keeps going out at night; we learn it’s because she’s caring for an injured hawk she has named Angel.

Her problems are more than just her anger and grief at her parents’ death. At school she’s harassed by Ned who propositions her. When she tries to get rid of him no one believes her as Ned is part of the Alpha Elite football/military prep/martial arts/student leadership team run by Colonel Dugan** (Michael Ironside). Julie’s only friend is Eric, who has joined Alpha Elite because he hopes to go to the Air Force Academy and Colonel Dugan’s recommendation will help. He’s not well off, having an after-school job as a security guard at the train yard.

At her wit’s end Louise agrees to let Mr Miyagi try and help. Initially he and Julie don’t get on but when he she runs out and avoids a car by doing a martial arts jump, he questions her about it. It turns out that when she was younger she was taught karate by her father, who was taught it by her grandfather, who learned it from Mr Miyagi. He offers to train her and immediately does so in his idiosyncratic manner, including making her do some babysitting of the uncontrollable neighbours. Feeding Angel one night she’s chased by police and Alpha Elite and suspended from school for two weeks.

Mr Miyagi takes her to a Buddhist monastery upstate. There Julie learns patience, balance, harmony, controlling her emotions, a few good karate moves, and also keeps find herself embarrassed by mistakes and misunderstandings. There’s a bit of zen archery and on her birthday they make her a cake and she makes a wish that they will come and visit her. They do, and have a bit of comic culture clash where they are challenged at a bowling alley, use zen bowling to win and everyone comes to mutual respect.

Now though things come to a head; Eric looked after Angel for a while but Ned found him and he’s gone to Animal Control. Mr Miyagi uses his karate healing magic*** and Angel is able to fly again. Eric quits Alpha Elite and he and Julie plan to go to prom – Mr Miyagi teaching her how to dance and getting her a dress. At prom Alpha Elite bungee jump in, and one of them is injured; when Eric tries to help Ned tells him to get lost.

After prom Eric drives Julie home after which the Alpha Elite break his car windows and challenge him to a fight at the docks. There he gets beaten up by Ned, but is rescued by Julie and Mr Miyagi. Julie challenges Ned, beats him despite him throwing mud in her face, after which Colonel Dugan tries to get the rest to join in. When they don’t Mr Miyagi then fights him and wins.

Other than changing coasts and swapping out Daniel for Julie does this have anything actually new to bring to the Karate Kid franchise? Not really, there’s no good training sequence, instead taking us to the monastery where we don’t know if this next scene will be Julie is embarrassed or Julie learns a lesson about inner strength.

Watch This: More karate kid with several attempts to freshen it up
Don’t Watch This: The attempts to freshen the formula aren’t great leaving us with teens learning how to beat each other up

* The 442^nd Regimental Combat Team, a World War 2 infantry regiment known for being almost entirely made up of Japanese-Americans. They were deployed in Europe and received an extremely high number of decorations for bravery.

** It’s not made explicit but it seems like that, again, Dugan is a violent, vindictive, win at all costs Vietnam veteran, as opposed to the noble peace-loving WW2 veteran Mr Miyagi. We might even extend this to The Karate Kid Part II and ask what Sato, Miyagi’s rival, did in WW2. Perhaps he served in the Imperial Japanese forces and so had to experience defeat, making him cruel etc. And yet because WW2 is ontologically more noble he’s able to get over it? Anyway, enough of this.

*** Supposedly this is pain control

3. Scared To Death (1947)

In the morgue is the body of a young woman. It seems she has been scared to death. A newspaper man and his girlfriend (?) attempt to make sense of it. The film then goes back to attempt to explain what happened to her. Already mentally fragile, Laura has been unwillingly committed to an institution. The institution is run by her father-in-law. Both doctor father-in-law and son-husband want to dissolve the marriage but she refuses.

Professor Leonide (Bela Lugosi), a stage magician from Europe arrives with his dwarf companion Indigo. He’s the doctor’s cousin. Laura is afraid of him, apparently because she doesn’t like foreigners though to be fair both Leonide and Indigo are creepy (Indigo actively threatening later in the film). Eventually what they’re trying to do becomes clear; Laura was the wife of another stage magician in Paris. During the occupation he was shot by the Nazis and Leonide thinks she was responsible for informing on him. Their attempts to scare the truth out of her with the death mask of her dead husband finally scare her to death.

I’ve attempted to make sense of this, but a lot of the film is people scaring Laura and weird things happening, masks and faces outside, people claiming to have been inside when the outside thing happened and a lot of red herrings. Also Indigo’s presence is supposed to be inherently worrying. Confusing rather than silly, odd rather than frightening. It is, however, very short so it doesn’t hang around.

Watch This: Short, odd, horror that ties old-gothic ideas and then-current events together
Don’t Watch This: Bizarre, poorly made, little people and foreigners are framed as inherently spooky

4. The Muppets Take Manhattan

The Muppets (puppets who in this film are a troupe of actors who are friends) put on a show at college called Manhattan Melodies. Everyone thinks it’s great so when they graduate they decide to take it to New York to put it on on Broadway. This turns out not to be easy; the first producer they go to is a con artist, and none of the others seems interested. Short on enthusiasm and money (they are living in left luggage lockers) when Kermit, the writer/director/star loses his temper they leave to find work, except Miss Piggy who stays in New York surreptitiously watching him.

Down on his luck Kermit finds his way to Pete’s diner where he makes friends with Pete, Pete’s aspiring fashion designer daughter Jenny, and Rizzo the rat and his rat friends who the soft-hearted Pete has been employing. Kermit works in the diner, and attempts to get the show made with the help of everyone there. He gets letters from the other muppets, who get to have sketches of the jobs they’re doing.

Seeing Kermit talking to Jenny in the park Miss Piggy get jealous; someone steals her handbag so she chases after them, karate chops them and reconnects with Kermit. Finally a producer agrees to meet; it turns out that Ronnie Crawford, son of producer Bernard Crawford, is taking a chance on them by using his father’s contacts, but they need to be ready almost immediately. On his way back to the diner Kermit is knocked down by a taxi and taken to hospital where he loses his memory.

Miss Piggy summons the muppets back to New York to tell them they have a show, but Kermit has vanished so they go and look for him. Meanwhile Kermit has ended up on Madison Avenue, the infamous home of advertising firms. Three frogs named Bill, Gill and Jill are trying to come up with a catchy slogan and Kermit suggests “Ocean Breeze soap will get you clean.” This bold idea of saying what a product does goes down a storm so they hire him as “Phil.”

Having failed to find Kermit they are on the verge of giving up the show when the marketing frogs happen to try Pete’s diner. Kermit doesn’t believe what they say about him and the show and is mocking when Miss Piggy declares he’s in love with her. She karate chops him and he recovers his memory. They go to put on the show but he still thinks there’s something missing. When all the wacky characters they’ve met along the way ask to come in and see it (it’s a sell out) he realises what they need – more people, all their friends on stage. The show is a success, and in the wedding scene Miss Piggy swaps out Gonzo for a real minister and she and Kermit get married.

The conceit of the Muppets from The Muppet Show trying to put on a show is good, and most of the comic sketches are fine. It’s when the film tries to either actually make the plot go that it becomes clear there’s not a lot here. It’s a few songs, some clever bits of the Muppets in real New York and a bunch of zany scenes, mostly funny. Which other than the outdoor bits is essentially The Muppet Show again.

Watch This: Lots of the expected Muppet fun
Don’t Watch This: Puppets wander around trying to put on a mediocre musical

5. Allan Quartermain And The Spear Of Destiny

Legendary explorer and treasure hunter Allan Quartermain is down on his luck after serving some jail time for his exploits. Now the British government needs him again – the heir to a Nazi scientist is seeking the Spear Of Destiny to complete the experiments.

Occasionally the amateurishness of this film is charming, and there are a couple of genuinely good jokes. When the special effects kick in they rise to the level of competence. However mostly the acting, the script and the settings are unconvincing to the point of being distracting. Walking through what is clearly a British forest, with very light undergrowth that is barely higher than knees level, they slash at it with machetes.

Watch This: I can only suggest this as a short curiosity in low budget film-making
Don’t Watch This: For any adventure or drama

6. Breathless

Michel is a French gangster who has been doing some jobs in Marseille. He likes American gangster films, especially Bogart, and sometimes tries to model himself on them. Deciding to return to Paris and collect the money he’s owed for jobs he steals a car and drives north. He’s stopped by a policeman and in a panic kills him and flees.

Back in Paris he moves about, trying to find the people who owe him money. One of the people who arranges jobs and pays is at a travel agency but he’s being investigated by the police. Michel meets up with his on-off girlfriend Patricia, who is an American student and aspiring journalist for the New York Herald Tribune. She occasionally asks the question “what is __” for a French word she is unfamiliar with or that is used in an unfamiliar way, and occasionally the film uses this to explore ideas.

Michel and Patricia wander about, Patricia has an interview, Michel gets hold of contacts, sells the car. Most of his contacts are trying to distance themselves from him as he’s now wanted and in the newspaper. Meanwhile the police attempt to track him down, slightly ineffectually, until a clue sends them to the New York Herald Tribune office and they interview Patricia.

Patricia is attracted to Michel for his energy and charm, but repulsed by his impulsiveness and temper. Eventually he pushes her too far and she calls the police. Both regretting and not her choice she tells him, he attempts to escape, only to be shot.

This is shot in an energetic, fast-paced manner, even when nothing occurs in the scene – a classic of the French New Wave from director Jean Luc Godard. In part this was of necessity – his lack of budget – yet it’s the way he uses this very limitation that shows his strengths. The rooms and streets, the traffic, the various places – they feel real because they’re real places he could use.

Watch This: French new wave classic that is a drama of crime and relationships
Don’t Watch This: Annoying murderer keeps inexplicably turning up places

7. The Polar Express

On Christmas Eve a boy who has stopped believing in Father Christmas sees a mysterious train, the Polar Express. He has a magic ticket and gets on. There’s a variety of other kids on board, all about the same age. He makes friends with a bossy girl and a know-it-all boy. He stops the train to let a boy called Billy on. There’s a few minor bits of excitement – one girl loses her ticket and it flies about and they find it though not before the conductor (Tom Hanks – who is both motion-captured and voices many of the characters) has taken her away. Going outside and around the train to get the ticket back to her the boy meets a pessimistic rider. Reaching the locomotive he finds they’ve let the girl drive the train while they fix the headlights.

Trying to get Billy excited when they arrive at the North Pole they uncouple the car, so rather than follow the proper tour they make their way through Santa’s workshop. Things go wrong, cause chaos, they get fixed, and they feel the true spirit of Christmas.

A charming if slight kid’s tale about believing in Christmas, it was at the time groundbreaking in it’s use of animation and motion capture. As such there’s something not quite right about the faces in some scenes, which is fine if you don't watch too closely.

Watch This: Kid’s tale about finding the true spirit of Christmas
Don’t Watch This: Animated Toms Hanks does some very bad train safety

8. The Night Visitor (1971)

The family farm, now run by sisters Emmie and Ester, seems to be failing. Ester’s husband Anton, a doctor, wants to sell it. There’s some argument in which they reference their brother Salem (Max von Sydow) who has been locked up in an insane asylum after being accused of killing a farmhand.

Somehow Salem has managed to escape the asylum. He kills Emmie, making it look like Anton did it. For revenge Salem also kills Britt, a girl who he was with at the time of the killing, who did not give him an alibi. Then he breaks back into the asylum, locks himself back in so no one knows he’s been out.

The next day the police inspector investigates. Anton seems the prime suspect, but the timing doesn’t make sense (he went out on a call). Anton claims to have seen a figure that looks like Salem so the inspector goes to the asylum. It certainly looks impossible to escape. Still, it does seem that the murder of Emmie and Britt are connected by Salem.

That night Salem escapes in an extraordinary sequence of many parts, each countering one of the security arrangements the inspector saw. He goes to see the corrupt lawyer that Anton used to frame Salem, only to discover Anton there, administering a sedative. Salem then injects the lawyer with a poison. He then murders Ester with an axe, like the farmhand, and frames Anton for it, only to escape back to the asylum. The inspector is left puzzled by all this, and will have to solve the case somehow.

Watch This: Creepy, weird thriller of betrayal and murder
Don’t Watch This: The highlight of the film is probably the escape sequence, yet this ludicrous set of stunts and gimmicks undercuts the seriousness the rest of the film attempts

9. The Case Of Marcel Duchamp (1984)

Sherlock Holmes calls Dr Watson to his retirement cottage to investigate one last case. It is to investigate French-American artist Marcel Duchamp, an early Dadaist and supporter of surrealists, though not quite one of them. They are assisted in this by a computer that allows them to see evidence, including interviews with Duchamp. They also have one of Duchamp’s Box-In-A-Valise, suitcases filled with miniature versions of some of his works of art.

They begin with his background, tracing his early life into some of his works. His early breakthroughs into notoriety including Fountain, a urinal*. A major portion of their investigation centres around The Bride Stripped Bare By Her Bachelors, Even, a painting on glass whose image mixes the mechanical with the organic. This is linked to Duchamp’s other works, especially kinetic sculptures; his statements; his influences and interests. One intriguing section has a performance of Raymond Rousseau’s Impressions Of Africa in which French passengers shipwrecked in a fictional African country put on a gala to show off their talents. One of them makes an automated painting machine.

Why Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson to investigate? In an interview Duchamp suggested he had the mind of a master criminal and detractors thought him a vandal who made a mockery of fine art. Perhaps the most interesting point is that Duchamp gave up art for twenty years, concentrating on playing and later writing about chess. This however Holmes and Watson skate over.

In the end we find ourselves enlightened yet unable to make a conviction. Neither Holmes nor Watson ever state what the case is – what are the questions that need answering. And so we do not have solid answers, just slippery ideas and suggestions we must ponder ourselves. In this way much less a Sherlock Holmes mystery, and more a Marcel Duchamp artwork.

Watch This: Whimsically framed yet clever and incisive review of the career and importance of Marcel Duchamp
Don’t Watch This: Learn about Duchamp by reading books and going to museums

* A piece that perhaps works better as art criticism than a work in itself

10. Alto Knights

Mafia chief Vito Genovese (Robert De Niro) orders the assassination of another mafia chief Frank Costello (also Robert De Niro). It fails, though Frank is injured. Frank tries to prevent another attack by retiring and acknowledging Vito as head of the mafia commission. He then ponders how things got like this.

It dates back to the 30s and prohibition, the good times for the mafia, when everyone wanted booze and were happy to pay for it. Lucky Luciano was head of the mafia commission. But then in 1937 he was arrested and jailed. Vito fled the country to Italy. Leaving Frank in charge, the idea being that Vito would pick back up when the heat died down. In those days they were friends, both members of the Alto Knights club.

World War 2 comes, and Luciano gets time off for good behaviour – which involves him keeping the unions in line for the war effort. He’s deported however. Eventually Vito comes back, but he’s not happy that Frank’s in charge now. He murders Albert Anastasia, Frank’s chosen successor. To try and put an end to this Frank calls a meeting of all the country’s mafia chiefs to acknowledge Vito and make it clear that Frank really is retiring. However he’s late to the meeting in upstate New York and somehow the police turn up. Although many of the mafia there escape, they get their car license plates, and several of them are eventually jailed for obstructing justice when questioned about the reason for the meeting. More than this, the newspapers have a field day. This real meeting, the Apalachin meeting, brought national attention to the mafia, which was not good for them.

This was written by Nicholas Pileggi, known for Goodfellas, Casino, etc (including an executive producer role on American Gangster (review forthcoming)) and based on real events. I can’t help thinking that this is attempting to do the same thing again – the violent history of organised crime and betrayal, and De Niro in starring role(s). This was fine, with a lot of history, period detail, and some fun bits where people can’t believe what’s happening or mess up. Vito’s wife, Anna sues him for maintenance and she puts forward evidence Vito is making lots of money to everyone’s annoyance.

But again, we’ve been here before, and seen it done better.

Watch This: Stylish gangster film based on real events
Don’t Watch This: De Niro playing two different characters at different ages and times periods is not of interest