March Film Update 3

10 more films from 2025. Are we done yet? No, not even close, sorry!

****

1. One Million AC/DC

Stone age people bring grapes back to their cave. This will make wine for the virgin sacrifice, and also the orgy, declares one large, older man. Outside the cave are monsters – a dinosaur (a plastic toy that is surprisingly well shot and edited to appear enormous and towering over the people) and an ape-man (a guy in a gorilla suit). The ape-man wants to mate with one of the women.

Frankly everyone wants to mate with everyone else; we are relieved to learn the virgin sacrifice is the sacrifice of the virginity not the virgin. In various caves men and women and women and women have sex and spy on one another, sometimes becoming jealous. Occasionally they venture out and are menaced by monsters.

This is a ridiculous parody sexploitation film with a script from a late career Ed Wood Jr, though frankly the script is one of the least interesting things about this film. There’s the kernel of an idea here – what did cavemen do with their time? Get drunk and have sex. But the film isn’t especially interested in that. What is it interested in? Naked women, people having sex, and having some fun with silly monsters, that’s what.

Watch This: Naked caveman film about sex with a couple of witty moments
Don’t Watch This: About two thirds of the running time is people groping each other

2. Satan’s Slave

Catherine (Candace Glendinning) is given a bracelet by her boyfriend John; she then leaves and joins her parents. They’re going on a trip to see her father’s brother, Alexander (Michael Gough), at his estate in the country. Entering the estate her father falls ill, crashing the car. Catherine runs to get help, only for the car to explode.

Alexander, with the help of his son Stephen (Martin Potter) and secretary Frances (Barbara Kellerman) rescue her and Alexander, a doctor, gives her a sedative. Told that the police have been and gone they bury her parents in the estate graveyard where Catherine is drawn to a gravestone of an 18^th century woman Camilla who died at the age of 20 – and Catherine’s 20^th birthday is imminent. She has visions of women being part of rituals, being branded and tortured, and is also drawn to Stephen.

Eventually it’s revealed, mostly by Frances, that Camilla had magic powers; that Alexander has been trying to summon her spirit by sacrificing women. That he thinks Catherine, a descendant, on her 20^th birthday, is the right one. Meanwhile Stephen, having watched his father sacrifice his mother, has become a deranged murderer. At this point things start to spiral out of control, as Stephen kills Frances for betraying him, Alexander and the cult attempt to take her to the woods and then unexpected characters appear.

This is creepy, the old house and murky estate ground contributing to the atmosphere. It is not especially clear until Frances explains the plot, following which the film then attempts to confuse us again, something I didn’t find very effective.

Watch This: Creepy 70s horror film
Don’t Watch This: Has to turn everything one step odder and not in an interesting way

3. Dracula (1977)

It’s the late 19^th century and Jonathan Harker is sent from England to Count Dracula (Louis Jordan) to finalise the selling of Carfax Abbey and other houses. His fellow travelers warn him not to go. Arriving the Count convinces him to stay for a while, also seems interested in the portrait of his fiancé Mina Westenra. The Count only comes out at night, has no reflection and strange things occur. Jonathan spots him climbing the walls of the castle to a hidden chamber. Looking in the chamber Jonathan discovers the Count and his three brides in coffins. The Count rises and Jonathan tries to hit him with a shovel, fails, and flees.

Back in England Mina, her sister Lucy and their mother go to the seaside at Whitby. Lucy is engaged to Quincey Holmwood, a rich American. A friend of the Family is Dr Seward, who runs a local insane asylum, amongst the inmates being Renfield, who is obsessed with eating live animals, starting with flies, but then building up to fly-eating spiders etc. Dracula’s ship comes ashore, and Lucy and Mina witness a wolf coming across to land; deserted, the ship only has boxes of earth as it’s cargo. Lucy starts sleepwalking; Mina follows her to the graveyard where she is embraced by Dracula. Lucy gets pale and weak. Seward sends for his friend Van Helsing to try and diagnose her.

Van Helsing refuses to tell anyone his diagnosis (vampires) but attempts to ward Lucy’s bedroom with garlic. However her mother moves some of it and a wolf enters, breaking the window. The mother dies of shock; shortly afterwards Lucy dies. After she’s buried she returns; Seward, Van Helsing and Holmwood find her in the tomb. She attempts to seduce Holmwood, fails, is turned away by a crucifix and finally staked through the heart.

Mina and Jonathan return to a house steeped in tragedy Van Helsing explains about vampirism to the others. They track down the boxes of earth that Dracula must spend every day in, and Van Helsing uses the host (the holy wafer from eucharist which he claims to have got permission to use) to deny the use of them. Renfield, jealous that Dracula has chosen Lucy and now Mina ahead of him, warns Seward and they catch Mina drinking from Dracula; scaring him off Mina is burned by the host.

Dracula returns to Transylvania and they follow for a final confrontation. This 2 part BBC TV adaption takes a few liberties with the novel, combining characters (Quincey Holmwood) and making Mina and Lucy sisters to compress events – and locations. It’s possible to see where the budget and technology of the day have been squeezed. The outdoor scenes are few and carefully chosen with the majority of the story being shot in nice period sets. Dracula’s influence often appears with his face being imposed over the scene in a red or black silhouette, the musical score telling us this is spooky. Louis Jordan is an attractive, seductive Dracula, the villainy understated – much as when he played the villain in cursed James Bond film Octopussy a few years later*.

Watch This: Good adaption of Dracula remaining faithful to much of the story
Don’t Watch This: Occasionally the budget and effects are over-stretched and no real insight into Dracula

* Here Jordan, a French actor, plays a Romanian nobleman; in Octopussy he plays an Afghan prince.

4. In The Heat Of The Night

Philip Colbert, a rich investor who is building a factory in Sparta, Mississippi is murdered. Sam Wood, a policeman, finds the body; looking for the murderer he encounters Virgil Tibbs (Sidney Poitier) at the train station. Assuming a black man out late at night is up to no good he searches him, finds $200 in his wallet and brings him in, accusing him of killing Colbert and robbing him. At the police station Police Chief Bill Gillispie (Rod Steiger) interrogates him. Tibbs tells him he’s from Philadelphia, on his way home after visiting his mother. He earned the money at his job (homicide detective). Gillispie is obviously racist but checks on his story and it becomes clear Tibbs is who he says he is; in fact Tibbs' chief suggests he helps out on the case. Tibbs is reluctant but he’s missed his train and the next one isn’t until some time later so he agrees.

Gillispie is new to Sparta and being Police Chief, he’s not a homicide expert. They pick up another suspect – white this time – who has actually robbed Colbert’s wallet. Colbert’s widow arrives as Tibbs explains that this suspect also couldn’t have done it. Although Tibbs is locked up for withholding evidence Gillispie is convinced and more, Colbert’s widow threatens to pull out of the factory project unless the negro officer is allowed to investigate. The mayor insists and Gillispie uses his powers of persuasion on Tibbs and his Chief (by phone).

Tibbs follows every lead, though even he is misled at one point, his prejudice against Eric Endicott the local cotton plantation owner getting him in trouble. Though admittedly there was physical evidence, Endicott appeared to be the last person to see Colbert alive and he had motive – the factory would give the local black community somewhere else to work than the cotton fields.

A classic crime film tackling head on the racism of the place and period. In the end the crime has nothing to do with race – and everything because that’s how Sparta operates. Tibbs, an outsider, a professional, forces people to see beyond his skin colour, but he’s almost as much an outsider amongst the black community. Gillispie, part of the system (if he’s not there because of his expertise in solving murders what is his job?) wants justice done, and when the easy way fails, accepts the need to back up Tibbs. Even if he is black.

Watch This: Classic murder mystery delving into the dark underbelly – and dark surface – of a Mississippi town
Don’t Watch This: Grimy and unpleasant

5. Danger: Diabolik

$10 Million is being moved from the central bank; concerned that infamous thief Diabolik will steal it his nemesis Inspector Ginko sets up a diversion. The armoured car is carrying wastepaper, the real money is moved in a posh car with Ginko and his undercover cops. Diabolik, who wears a mask and bodysuit, still manages to steal the money, taking it back to his enormous underground lair where he and his girlfriend Eva have sex on the money, on the gigantic revolving bed there.

The government is annoyed and the Minister Of The Interior holds a press conference to say they will hunt down Diabolik and that the death penalty is being brought back for him. However Diabolik is there, in his regular clothes, and uses gas to make everyone laugh. The minister resigns and Inspector Ginko is given emergency powers. He uses them to crack down on gangster Ralph Valmont. Realising what’s going on Valmont calls up Ginko who explains the situation; his new powers are there to capture Diabolik. If Valmont were able to hand over Diabolik then things would go back to normal.

For Eva’s birthday Diabolik steals a famous necklace in a daring heist. Valmont gets a report from a sex worker who spotted Eva scouting the castle it was stolen from and has a picture made up*. They track her to her doctor and abduct her. Valmont offers to let her go if Diabolik turns himself and $10 million over. In an extremely complex series of events Diabolik rescues her, is thrown out of Valmont’s plane, manages to grab Valmont in mid-air and save himself by using Vlamont's parachute, is surrounded by police, shoots Valmont and then commits suicide with a capsule. During the press conference to announce Diabolik’s death Eva revives him in the morgue. Later still Diabolik returns to the morgue in disguise to collect Valmont’s ashes – he had put the emeralds from the necklace in his bullets when he shot Valmont.

The government having put a million dollar reward on Diabolik he retaliates by destroying all the tax records. Despite an appeal by the Minister of Finance** the citizens don’t come forward so they dip into the gold reserves, melting down the country’s gold into a single bar sealed in an impenetrable container so Diabolik can’t steal it. Diabolik steals it, but Ginko is able to track it to his lair for a final confrontation.

This is an absurd comic book adaption, one based on the Italian comic Diabolik which kicked off a sub-genre of masked, outrageous villains and anti-heroes. Diabolik is not a good guy – he is reckless in his various heists, leaving police and guards injured and probably killed in his wake. Yet the government is no better, simply less competent, blackmailing gangsters, setting traps and bringing back the death penalty just because Diabolik has embarrassed them. It is stylish and clever and fun and moves almost fast enough to hide the fact that none of this makes any sense.

Watch This: Brilliantly realised comic book heist film
Don’t Watch This: Careless, ridiculous, sometimes to the extent of being stupid

* Diabolik is based on a comic so the sketch artist sequence uses pictures of women from the comic, eventually settling on the comic-Eva face.

** The return of the previously disgraced Interior Minister

6. Yes Madam (1985)

In Hong Kong Police Inspector Ng (Michelle Yeoh) stops a robbery; she then goes to meet a UK policeman who is her friend (lover?) from her time at Scotland Yard in a hotel. However the policeman is meeting a contact who kills him. Also two low level criminals known as Aspirin and Strepsil rob the room, taking his passport which has a microfilm hidden in it. They take the passport to a slightly more technical petty criminal known as Panadol who changes it and sells it to someone who wants to leave the country.

He tries to leave the country at the same time as Inspector Carrie Morris (Cynthia Rothrock) arrives to join the investigation into the policeman’s death and when he tries to escape she does a lot of kung fu to stop him. Ng and Morris have to join forces, meanwhile the villainous Mr Tin needs the microfilm back and in the middle are the comic relief petty criminals. This is a 1980s Hong Kong action film so there’s several kung fu setpieces and other stunts, people get killed, swear revenge and the villain gloats and is always one step ahead until the final fight.

It's grim and cynical, and funny and occasionally sweet. It’s about two women beating people up, and getting beaten up. It’s about criminals getting away with things. Mostly about people being beaten up in new and spectacular ways though.

Watch This: Entertaining martial arts thriller
Don’t Watch This: Criminals doing bad things and the police not much better
For Marketing Reasons: In international markets this was titled In The Line Of Duty 2: Police Assassins to attract viewers of In The Line Of Duty aka Royal Warriors in which Michelle Yeoh plays a different Hong Kong police inspector.

7. The Hand Of Death (1976)

In Qinq era China the Shaolin disciples are being hunted down. Shih Shao-Fen, a great warrior, is in charge of this (was he formerly a Shaolin student? Not clear). A remote hidden Shaolin camp sends Yun Fei to defeat him. He meets a couple of people along the way, then confronts Shih but fails as he can’t handle his “extended iron claw.” Shih leaves the defeated Yun Fei to his eight bodyguards (who operate in pairs, each pair armed in a different and interesting way) Yun Fei manages to escape with the help of one of the people he met.

Hunted by Shih’s warriors Yun Fei meets a variety of other rebels and warriors, including a swordsman who killed a woman and swore never to draw his sword again, a blacksmith, and a missing Shaolin student. They train hard, plan a complex attack to draw off Shih’s lieutenants and bodyguards. Then they put the plan into action for a long final sequence.

This is a 70s Hong Kong martial arts action movie, and several of the actors (who also arranged fights and stunts) went on to be legends in that scene. As such the stunts and fights are good. What about the acting and storyline? Well as I said, the stunts and fights are good.

Watch This: Martial arts team up against a villain
Don’t Watch This: Martial arts team up against a villain

8. The Flintstones (1994)

Based on the cartoon sitcom, Fred Flintstone (John Goodman) is a stone age man who lives in a comedy stone age 1950s town called Bedrock. He’s lent some money to his neighbour Barney Rubble (Rick Moranis) so Barney and his wife Betty (Rosie O’Donnell) can adopt (in a fun scene they initially bring out a baby orangutan, only to hand that baby to an orangutan couple who are treated just like the stone age humans), in their case a feral boy named Bamm-Bamm who only says Bamm-Bamm and hits things with a club. This annoys Fred’s wife Wilma (Elizabeth Perkins) when she discovers she’s got no money, though she forgives Fred for his kind heart. Fred and Wilma have their own daughter Pebbles who plays little part in the film but must be included due to being in the cartoon.

Some plot develops; Cliff Vandercave (Kyle Mclachlan) an executive at Slate and co, the quarry Fred and Barney work at, plans to embezzle enormous amounts of money with the assistance of his secretary Sharon Stone (Halle Berry). To do that they want a scapegoat, and pick one by offering an exam to the quarry workers with the promise that the best score will become an executive. Fred struggles and Barney, wanting to repay him for his kindness, swaps exams. Fred gets the best score and becomes an executive. Unfortunately his first job is to fire the lowest scoring worker, Barney.

This leads into the long middle section of the film as Barney tries to find new work, loses his home and the family move in with the Flintstones. Meanwhile Fred and Wilma enjoy their new wealth and status and become overbearing. Most of the jokes involve various stone age equivalents of modern machinery, especially using animals; a mammoth as a shower, a pig as a garbage disposal etc. Eventually the secrets come out and Fred is blamed for the embezzlement, and also for firing all the workers (Vandercave is using the automation of the quarry as cover for the embezzlement, but oddly the machinery works really well, enough to make a death trap for the final confrontation).

The recreation – the meticulous recreation – of various bits from the cartoon is astounding, especially as it is mostly live action effects. Some of them aren’t great – Fred a large guy, moves on his toes when bowling (his great talent) and hovers in the air when excited calling out his catchphrase “Yabba Dabba Doo.” Already silly in the cartoon, these are tedious and unfunny when live. This still has a few laughs up it’s sleeve, especially for kids. Thirty years on I don’t know if it adds anything that the old cartoons don’t have, but it hasn’t aged badly – in part because it was anachronistic and unique when made.

Watch This: Fun, visually exciting kid’s film
Don’t Watch This: Many dated jokes, telegraphs everything miles in advance

9. The Mechanic (2011)

Arthur Bishop (Jason Statham) is a Louisiana-based hitman (“mechanic”) who specialises in making assassinations look like accidents. After completing a complex killing he returns to meet his mentor Harry Mckenna (Donald Sutherland) who complains about his son. Then he gets his next target; it’s Harry Mckenna. Dean Sanderson explains about a mission to South Africa that went wrong, which only Dean and Harry knew about and could have compromised, leading to deaths of the team. Reluctantly Arthur accepts the explanation and kills Harry, tricking him out of his own security and making it look like a carjacking gone wrong.

Arthur commiserates with Harry’s son Steve, later intervening when Steve attempts to lure in and kill a carjacker. Steve asks Arthur to train him; Arthur has him take a small dog to a coffee shop at the same time every day. This attracts the attention of Burke, an assassin who is their target. Steve ignores Arthur’s instructions to drug Burke, instead going back to his house and getting into a long and complex fight.

The two continue as assassination master and apprentice for a while until by chance Bishop spots one of the men supposedly killed in the South Africa mission. Bishop realises he’s been tricked, and decides to hunt down Dean, who now reveals to Steve that Bishop killed Harry for a slightly complicated final sequence.

This is an efficient story of assassins betraying and being betrayed, with a long interlude of training up another assassin. To pay a debt, to train a replacement, or maybe Arthur’s own executioner? His motives remain obscure. Perhaps this is my post-John Wick sensibilities, but despite there being an international underworld of assassins it’s very normal, corporate. Hardly baroque, gothic or weird at all! What’s with that?

Watch This: Jason Statham kills a lot of guys
Don’t Watch This: Jason Statham kills a lot of guys

10. Flashdance (1983)

Alex (Jennifer Beals) is an 18 year old steel welder in Pittsburgh who lives in a converted warehouse with a dog and in the evenings does lightly exotic dance at a cabaret bar called Mawby’s. Her dream is to be a professional dancer but she has no formal training; as the film progresses her mentor, a retired ballerina, encourages her to apply to the dance conservatory. She’s intimidated by all the dancers there and the form that asks for her dance experience. At Mawby’s is her friend Jeanie, a waitress in training for figure skating, and Richie, Jeanie’s boyfriend, a cook who wants to be a stand-up comic. Local sleazy topless bar owner Johnny wants both Alex and Jeanie to work for him at his bar Zanzibar.

Alex’s boss Nick at her day job spots her at the bar. He then pursues her, slightly stalker-y, though he takes her turning him down in good humour. One night leaving Mawby’s Johhny and his associate* hassle Alex and Richie. Nick intervenes, takes Alex home and she invites them in, the two having sex and starting a relationship.

Things start to go wrong. Richie leaves for Los Angeles and Jeanie’s big skating event is a disaster, with her falling over twice. She leaves Mawby’s and goes to work at Zanzibar. Alex goes to the ballet with her mentor, only to spot Nick with another woman, so she goes to his house and throws a rock through the window. Things turn around though; the woman is Nick’s ex-wife and this was their annual charity appearance (they later meet her in a posh restaurant and have a catty exchange following which is turns out that Alex’s dress shirt is backless under her tuxedo jacket – perhaps a flashdance outfit?) Alex drags Jeanie out of Zanzibar and gets her back on her feet. When her mentor dies she screws up her courage to apply to the Conservatory, and gets an audition – only to learn Nick pulled strings to get it for her. Confronting him he tells her it’s just a chance – she’s still got to impress the board, leading to a final dance scene.

This is a romantic drama, and a dance film, the dance perhaps better than the romance or drama. That Pittsburgh is a city of breakdancers and street people, of homely bars and sleazy bars, of steel mills and of ballet is kind of the point. Perhaps notable is that Alex rides on her push bike; despite working two jobs she can’t save for her education AND keep a car. Meanwhile her boss can donate to the ballet, maintain a big house and nice car and even an ex-wife. What's up with that?

Watch This: Dance, drama, romance
Don’t Watch This: People argue, strive, misunderstand each other

* Who I think is supposed to be a bouncer, but Johnny and he seem to spend a lot of time at Mawby’s. Maybe he’s a bodyguard, which kind of suggests being a sleazy club owner is dangerous – is he connected to crime? The film is relatively uninterested in this.