June Films Update
Ten films I saw earlier this year
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Henry VIII wants his marriage to Catherine of Aragon annulled so he can marry Anne Boleyn and father a son and heir. Cardinal Wolesley, Lord Chancellor, complains to Sir Thomas More that More won’t support this, the only member of the King’s privy council to do so. More doesn’t think that they should be pressuring the church by seizing property and money. Thomas Cromwell, Wolesley’s assistant, overhears this.
At home there’s more difficulties; Richard Rich wants promotion, turns down More’s offer of a teaching job. Lawyer William Roper wants to marry More’s daughter Meg, but More doesn’t give permission as Roper is a protestant.
Wolesley fails, dies in a remote monastery. More is appointed Lord Chancellor. The King pays an unofficial visit to More’s Chelsea home (everyone important travels by boat along the Thames – the moment More falls from grace is marked when no boat comes for him when he calls) to try and convince him to support the annulment. More is unmoved. Cromwell, now the king’s principal secretary, has Rich spy on More.
Roper denounces the King’s actions and More tells him to be more discreet. Rich asks again for preferment and More turns him down. He tells More his steward is a spy for Cromwell, which More is unphased by. The King declares himself Supreme Head Of The Church Of England, making the bishops and parliament declare independence from the Pope. More resigns rather than accept the declaration.
There follows various attempts to get More to sign declarations, and then to find him guilty of not taking an oath of loyalty to the king, his heirs and the church. Having been careful in what he said and by refusing to answer questions it’s impossible to convict him – until he’s betrayed.
This is based on a play, and has some truly great scenes, asking questions about loyalty and personal integrity. It ends on a dark and explicitly cynical note; if we know the history we expect the darkness but I don’t think the cynicism serves it well.
Watch This: Fascinating and dramatic historical film
Don’t Watch This: Longwinded story about not saying anything
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Thanks to the Napoleonic Wars England needs every man so Albert Poop-Decker (Bernard Cribbens) is made a midshipman after eight and a half years of failing to pass the exams* and assigned to HMS Venus. Finding the crew ashore for their last night, he goes to Dirty Dick’s tavern, where he encounters Sally (Juliet Mills). She wants to go to sea to find her sweetheart and lodger, Roger. Seeing her chance she knocks him out and takes his uniform and identity to join the Venus. When Albert wakes up in his underwear he puts on her dress for decency and goes downstairs to encounter a pressgang from the Venus; he’s knocked out and he and cess-pit cleaner Walter Sweetly (Charles Hawtrey) are pressed aboard the ship.
Albert tries to make himself known but there is already a midshipman Poop-Decker aboard – Sally who Captain Fearless (Kenneth Williams) thinks is a fine figure of a young man. The first officer and Bosun take against (real) Poop-Decker, who is a bad seaman. Albert and Sally reconcile, and in fact fall in love.
After some time at sea they finally see a Spanish ship, and Captain Fearless turns away to everyone’s disgust. The first officer and Bosun decide to get rid of the Captain by faking an enemy attack; Albert, Sweetly and Sally escape with him in a boat. The Captain thinks they are in France and can easily get back to England from Calais. In fact they are in Spain; they disguise themselves with stolen clothes, Sally disguising herself as a woman.
The crew of the Venus invade Cadiz, capturing the governor. Discovering the Venus empty Fearless, Albert, Sweetly and Sally seize it and sail away. They encounter pirates; the captain turns out to be Roger, Sally’s lost love. She rejects him; he then tries to make Albert walk the plank, but he turns the tables, capturing them in a sail.
The crew manage to escape prison in Cadiz, seizing several Spanish warships and sail home. They encounter the Venus and due to a slapstick series of events as they amputate Fearless’s leg, set off the cannon and sink the Spanish ships, becoming heroes.
There are a few good jokes when they get to sea, the cross-dressing sketches moderately entertaining (including of course the double cross-dressing). More interested in age of sail stuff second and third hand, popular beliefs circa 1964, than actual history, which I admit is not high up on the list of things to look for in a knockabout British comedy film of the 60s.
Watch This: Undemanding naval comedy
Don’t Watch This: Poor naval elements, the comedy only
occasionally rising above it
* I regret to say that this is not accurate to the way that officer candidates were appointed in actual history.
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It’s the Great Depression and the two Banks children from Mary Poppins have grown up. Michael got married, had three children, then a year ago his wife died. Times are hard; he had to give up being a painter and get a job at the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank his father worked at, and having taken a loan is three months behind. The Bank are going to repossess the house. Michael and his sister Kate recall they have shares in the bank but can’t find the certificate; when they talk to Wilkins, in charge of the bank, he finds no record of the shares (he's lying as he wants the house).
The three children John, Annabel and Georgie go to the shops, but Georgie gets caught up with a kite and magical nanny Mary Poppins returns to take care of them. Michael and Kate are puzzled, remembering something of their magical adventures but they have more important things to worry about. The children argue about selling their mother’s priceless bowl, but it get broken; Mary, the children and lamplighter Jack go on an adventure within the bowl with cartoon animals that sort of reflects some of the situation in the regular world.
Events continue in a mostly predictable fashion if you’ve seen a kid’s film, in particular the original 1964 Mary Poppins film. Rather oddly this is exactly what it seems to be; a sequel to the 1964 Mary Poppins film made in 2018, that is a light-hearted adventure about a parent caught up in adult problems who needs to concentrate on their children. And that’s done through a variety of fantastical song and dance numbers led by the magic nanny and her working class sidekick with a dodgy accent. We’re forced to ask two questions which are at cross purposes – why did they do this and why didn’t they do this sooner?
Watch This: Enjoyable good-hearted kid’s musical adventure
Don’t Watch This: A lot of singing and dancing and very bad
business ethics
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In Manchester in the 1960s Arthur (Paul McGann) is an undertaker. Local gangster Finlay has been a friend of the family; now he comes with an offer difficult to refuse. He needs a body to be got rid of, quietly, and Arthur arranges it. However Finlay’s efforts to consolidate control escalate, and there are more murders, more bodies.
Meanwhile Arthur has never come to terms with his lover being killed in the war, and more recently his brother’s death, which it turns out was connected to Finlay. His brother was involved with a nightclub singer that Finlay is managing. And as the bodies pile up the police are sniffing around.
This is a gritty, atmospheric film, smart, quiet and empty – until the moments it decides to be loud. Apparently made on a micro-budget it shows if you look for it – few scenes with several actors, the settings closely focused on. Yet this matches the tone of the film, making it if anything more itself
Watch This: Moody atmospheric period thriller
Don’t Watch This: Man who deals with dead bodies makes bad
deal with man who creates dead bodies
A documentary on witchcraft, linking the legendary beginnings to the modern day. Legendary? It starts with the primal moon goddess and her consort the sun; has these pagan rites continue in the Christian era as witch cults, and thus to modern day Wicca, with generally good-looking Wiccans from covens associated with Alex Sanders performing rituals with a lot of nudity.
The supposed recreations of ancient rituals have some interesting details, yet it's perhaps when there is a modern black mass, an initiation into the underworld and such, that there’s really some meat to it. The sidetrack to the museum of witchcraft is entertaining; for example the narrator not-entirely-primly explains that the phallus was because the high priest was supposed to penetrate the female witches, but there might be too many, hence they reported a cold touch from the devil. Perhaps he might have kept it against his skin to warm it as a courtesy?
A mix of truth, legend and fantasy, with plenty of nudity, which was part of the selling point. The rituals and recreations are smartly shot, offering some real atmosphere, the narrations offering a layer of refinement.
Watch This: Classic documentary of witchcraft as explained
by Wiccans
Don’t Watch This: Deliberately erases real history in favour
of dancing around in the nip
In May 1945 Hermann Göring (Russell Crowe) surrenders to American Troops. This brings an urgency to a question amongst the Allies – what to do with the senior Nazis that have been captured. American Supreme Court Justice Robert Jackson (Michael Shannon) wants to put them on trial. There are a number of barriers to this, political as well as legal, yet he manages to get his way, by convincing the Pope and also getting approval from the Soviet Union. Preparations are made in Nuremberg.
Lieutenant Colonel David Kelley (Rami Malleck), a US Army psychiatrist, is brought in to assess the prisoners. He gains the trust of Göring. He’s upfront as to why he took the job – when he returns to civilian life he will write a book about his experiences. His job is officially to get the prisoners ready for trial, Jackson and co also trying to learn something to make things easier. When one of the prisoners commits suicide they bring in another psychiatrist for a second opinion.
Kelley diagnoses Göring as a narcissist, and also highly intelligent. Although he makes this assessment to the prosecutors Jackson is unable to take advantage of this, leaving it to the British representative David Maxwell Fyfe (Richard E Grant) to finally get Göring to incriminate himself. Having been sentenced to hang, Göring instead takes cyanide. Kelley has been removed, leaving the film’s other characters to go through the hangings, and Kelley to despairingly make a bad job of promoting his book by warning that Nazi-like people already exist in America.
A drama, a thriller, taking a look into Göring in particular. His arrogance even here at the lowest point, his refusing to admit to fault or failure. And in the face of that how the other characters respond. That’s what this film is about, grim as it is.
Watch This: Compelling drama about the International War
Crimes Tribunal
Don’t Watch This: Very dark, war and holocaust imagery, and
execution scenes
The Reverend Algernon Alexander Ford, his mute wife Alicia and also three mysterious green-faced women have taken up residence in Carfax Abbey. He claims he intends to re-open All Soul’s Church. Having met a distant relative, Susan Ford, she comes around to ask him if he will marry her and her fiancé Paul, as she’s pregnant. He responds by drugging her sherry and taking her prisoner.
He's a vampire (as is his wife and the three mysterious green-face women) and they need Susan’s blood to reinvigorate their lineage, which has grown weak apparently. Paul comes to try and find Susan but is put off. However the maid tells him that Susan is a prisoner, following which he’s captured and the maid’s eyes put out. There’s another Ford who they want the blood of in a less complicated way, and also a hunchback servant. While Susan and Paul attempt to escape a big vampire gathering takes place; the Reverend intends to take them all to California.
A low budget vampire flick that tries to make it disconcerting and succeeds. Though perhaps not enough to cover over the paper-thin plot and general nonsense. Carfax Abbey is a hint, and then we immediately learn they’re vampires. The mute wife, the three brides, the hunchback servant, all gestures towards other horror, yet signifying nothing and failing to make it it’s own. Some compelling scenes but doesn’t convince as a whole.
Watch This: 1970s London haunted by unique vampires
Don’t Watch This: The vampires aren’t that unique
The Intergalactic Wizard’s Alliance got four magic books that embody everything and intended to use them to rule the universe for evil. One book escaped, and has ended up in Smurf Village under the guardianship of Papa Smurf. Every Smurf (small blue creatures with white hats) has their thing (Hefty, Brainy, Sound Effects, Calendar Smurf etc.) except No Name Smurf who keeps messing up. Going into the forest he discovers he has magic powers. When he uses them it’s detected by evil wizard Razamel and his assistant Joel who open a portal and kidnap Papa Smurf. The other Smurfs, following instructions, go to Paris, where Papa Smurf’s brother Ken and the International Neighbourhood Watch Smurfs are.
They travel through increasingly zany and weird setpieces, with plenty of fourth wall breaking comedy and asides. When the secret of the magic is revealed things get out of hand, the style of animation changing, in a way that shows real craft and dedication and is almost interesting.
Watch This: Kid’s cartoon that manages to always entertain
with pace, jokes, surprises, and always going one step more
Don’t Watch This: Makes no sense and depends on finding
small blue guys cute
In Edinburgh 1828 respectable Dr Knox needs dead bodies for anatomical lectures. The main legitimate source is from hangings, and those are rare. When a lodger in Mr and Mrs Hare’s house dies, he and another lodger, cobbler Burke decide to sell the corpse, getting £7 10s, a good sum.
Both Knox’s students and other members of high society frequent Mrs Thompson’s brothel, which has a chamber with peepholes. One of the students becomes enamoured of Marie. Meanwhile Knox continues to need bodies and Burke and Hare first take on ill lodgers, eventually they murder Daft Jamie, a well known local lad. Knox realises there are marks that he’d been in a fight, and destroys the head so when the police come he claims it was a lad who died in a factory accident, with no family.
When a fire breaks out in the brothel Marie and her friend escape and go to a pub where they meet Burke. He offers them lodging, but instead murders Marie. The student is shocked when she ends up on the dissecting table, but Knox tells him she died of drink. When the student finds Mrs Thompson and tells her Marie is dead, she tells him about the pub, from where he identifies Burke. Going to the Hare house with the police, they’re discovered having a drunken and raucous party; unfortunately for them they also have a dead body of the premises.
Loosely based on the real Burke and Hare murders, this film makes the unexpected decision to portray it as a farcical, occasionally sexy romp. Burke and Hare stumble into the corpse robbing business, slowly getting out of their depth as their greed takes hold.
Watch This: Darkly funny thriller, juxtaposing rich and
poor, murder and lust, greed and… well everything’s a bit tainted to be honest
Don’t Watch This: Fails to bring forth either the history or
the horror
The starfish-like Pairans discuss how to warn humanity of an approaching disaster. They decide to try and contact Dr Komura, a respected Japanese scientist. Flying saucers appear in the sky; a journalist tries to get Dr Komura to comment on it, but he says there is not enough evidence. At an observatory the scientists there spot an object in space that is releasing other, smaller objects. Professor Isobe at the observatory discusses this with Dr Komura and Dr Matsuda who suggests sending a rocket to take pictures. The pictures are unclear but they do show high energy output.
The Pairans emerge near waterways, frightening sailors and fishermen. One finds a photo of Japanese celebrity Hikari Aozora so they transform one of their number, Ginko, to look like her. Isobe’s son finds her by the water, and discovers she has superpowers – teleporting small distances, also very good at tennis. When he takes her to Dr Matsuda she warns him about the formula he’s working on (a nuclear weapon). Having proved her superhuman powers she explains she’s from Paira, a planet on the opposite side of the sun*. A rogue planet “Planet R” is on the way and will cause catastrophe.
The scientists warn the World Congress who ignore them until they predict what will be seen in a telescope and it happens. The World Congress opens fire but this doesn’t work. The only weapon powerful enough is Dr Matsuda’s but he’s been kidnapped by spies who want the formula. As the rogue planet approaches, people take shelter in the observatory and Ginko must find him and the formula.
This is a slightly wonky 1950s science fiction film, the star fish people unconvincing, yet bizarrely the transformation sequence is good. As a Japanese film it manages to be very American 1950s science fiction – to the extent that it was only afterwards that I was wondering what these middle-aged men were doing 15 years ago. Something I might ask about American films of the period too!
Watch This: Fun Earth-saving alien film with some fun
Don’t Watch This: Unconvincing aliens, introduces super
powers only to promptly give up on them
* Always nice to see a counter-Earth!
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