Nonesuch

 

Nonesuch

Albert Herring looked disappointed when the cork came out of the bottle with a quiet hiss. Sister Agnetha saw his face and smiled at him. “When opening champagne the noise made should resemble that of a nun farting.”

“Ah well, I do not have much experience...”

“Of fine champagne?” She accepted a flute from the immaculately white-dressed steward and walked out of the shelter onto the open deck of the yacht to lean on the rail. Behind her Marseille Harbour bustled but here was a moment of calm, broken only by the breeze and the occasional call of a gull. She took a sip and nodded to the steward. “Excellent as always Miles.”

“Ah, forgive me. Mr Stephanopolous asked me here to discuss a matter of business. I was not expecting to meet with his spiritual advisor, and even more surprised to discover that she is a nun.”

“Ours is not a cloistered order, and as this is not a fast day the rule allows me to drink wine. In moderation.” The wind brushed her head scarf, the edge dancing in the air. “I have tried my best to instil the virtue of punctuality, yet that of hospitality can make recompense for some lapses. For a man as rich as Mr Stephanopolous hospitality is easy to come by.”

 “Is that what you do as a spiritual advisor?” He took a flute of his own, nodded to Miles and joined her. The sun and air was pleasant; the champagne refreshing.

“I act as conscience and counsellor, and perform other such useful tasks as fall into my path. Auditor of accounts, surprise inspector, risk assessor, ship’s pilot, parascending instructor, diving bell engineer, criminal investigator. I find ways to keep myself busy.” She took another sip and looked out.

Herring found himself at a loss. “Diving bell...” he began when they were surprised by the appearance of a blood soaked Mr Stephanopolous.

“Sister Agnetha. You have to help me! They think...”

A policeman appeared behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Georgiou Sephanopolous I am arresting you for the murder of Andrew Kraken, famed undersea explorer.”

Sister Agnetha handed her flute to Herring. “Do excuse me,” she said in a calm voice. “It appears I have a murder to solve.”

****

This was the Patreon reward for July 2020. Sister Agnetha, the champagne-swilling nun detective, came from me attempting to create wacky crime fiction characters and the suggestion that one should be careful in opening champagne, so that the sound of the cork coming out should not be a loud pop but instead a discreet hiss.