November Films Update 2

Ten more films I watched earlier this year

****

1. Lady And The Tramp

It’s the early 20^th century and Jim Dear gives his wife Darling a cocker spaniel puppy called Lady. Lady grows up into a loving, pampered dog, with a license tag that keeps her safe from the dogcatcher. She makes friends with the posh neighbourhood dogs Jock (a Scottie) and Trusty (a bloodhound who used to work for the police). Meanwhile across town is Tramp, a stray dog, who is cool and welcome at the back doors of many restaurants and shops where they feed him.

Darling falls pregnant and Tramp comes into the ritzy neighbourhood to see what’s up. Hearing a baby is on the way he tells stories of dogs who have been replaced in family affections by the child, put outside in the dog house or even onto the street. Jock and Trusty try to reassure her but can’t conclusively. Then the baby comes and Lady is introduced and everything seems okay.

That’s until Jim Dear and Darling take a trip away and leave house, baby, and Lady in the care of the dog-hating Aunt Sarah and her two Siamese cats. They get Lady into trouble so Aunt Sarah takes her to have a muzzle fitted. Lady escapes, and after a couple of adventures finds Tramp who takes her to the zoo where a beaver gets the muzzle off. They then go about town, meeting Tramp's friends and have dinner in the alley outside Tony’s Italian Restaurant.

Distracted when Tramp chases some chickens Lady is captured by the dogcatcher and sent to the pound. Everyone there knows Tramp, and they entertain her with tales of his exploits – including all his other girlfriends, and other stories that make him seem insincere in his affections. She’s brought home where Aunt Sarah chains her outside. Tramp tries to apologise but she sends him away.

When a rat sneaks into the house Lady calls for help and Tramp, sulking nearby, comes to her aid, breaking into the house and killing the rat, but overturning the cradle. Thinking he tried to harm the baby Aunt Sarah has Tramp taken away by the dogcatcher and Lady locked in the cellar. When Jim Dear and Darling return home Lady shows them the rat, proving Tramp’s innocence for a happy ending.

Watch This: Good-hearted amusing cartoon about dogs
Don’t Watch This: Just a lot of fairly bland dog drama

2. Alien Versus Predator

A satellite discovers a huge thermal source under the ice on remote, uninhabited, subantarctic Bouvet Island. Billionaire Charles Weyland puts together an expedition to investigate. To start with ice and mountain guide Lex Woods refuses but is convinced, not just by the money, but by the importance of what’s been found. Weyland is ill, dying, and thinks that finding whatever this is will be his legacy. The expedition includes a variety of scientists, mercenaries, archaeologists and engineers.

What is this? It’s a buried prehistoric pyramid where the Predators from Predator and Predator 2* connected with an ancient human civilisation where they tested their courage against the aliens from Alien, Aliens, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection. They’ve restarted it to allow three Predators to try it out.

Finding a mystery hole down through the ice, the humans go down, investigating. They try to figure out what’s going on with the pyramid. The Predators arrive and go down, just in time for the team to accidentally activate it. The Alien Queen is brought out of cryostasis, releasing eggs, hence facehuggers that hug the faces of some team members, in turn hatching as Aliens. The pyramid changes configuration on a regular schedule, opening passages and closing others. The Predator’s best weapons are kept in a place that requires them to run a gauntlet, and the Humans get there first.

It feels almost video-game-y, the whole thing set by arbitrary limits to create periods of terror, of puzzle-solving, of character moments. Lifted by the excellent design of the Predators and the always slightly offputting Aliens – even after all this time they are pretty odd and weird.

Watch This: Action adventure puzzle escape room film
Don’t Watch This: Two moderately interesting film franchises shoved awkwardly together

* The extant Predator films at this time 

3. Death On The Nile (2022)

During WW1 Hercules Poirot uses detective deduction to have an attack succeed in the course of which he is injured and his captain killed. His fiancée Katherine visits him in hospital, declares his injuries are no barrier to love, though she does suggest he grow a moustache due to facial scarring. In 1937 Poirot attends a blues club, and sees singer Salome Otterbourne perform. Also there is Jackie de Bellefort, who introduces her fiancé Simon Doyle to her friend Linnet Ridgeway. She asks the fabulously wealthy heiress Linnet to give Simon a job; Linnet and Simon dance together.

Sometime later in 1937 Poirot is in Egypt and encounters his friend Bouc (see Murder On The Orient Express) and Bouc's mother Euphonia. They procure him an invitation to a wedding – between Linnet and Simon. A variety of friends and hangers on are at the wedding: Salome and her niece Rosalie, a schoolfriend of Linnet; Maria Van Schuyler, Linnet’s godmother, and her nurse and companion Mrs Bowers; Linnet’s financial manager and cousin Andrew Katchadourian; her former fiancé Dr Windelsham; and Linnet’s maid Louise. Also arriving at the wedding is the jilted Jackie who has been stalking the couple.

To try and avoid Jackie they hire out the cruise ship SS Karnak on the Nile. Linnet asks Poirot to try and get Jackie to leave them alone. Bouc turns out to want to marry Rosalie, despite his mother’s disapproval. Poirot shows some interest in Salome. Under the glamour and the party atmosphere, everyone is a little tense, either dubious about Linnet’s marriage, or about her money, or about something. When they reach the temple of Abu Simbal falling rocks get close to Linnet. And then Jackie joins the ship for the return voyage.

Inevitably Linnet is killed, under a bizarre and complex set of circumstances. Poirot is asked to try and solve the case to avoid scandal, or the whole party being detained by the authorities. Perhaps we’ve read the book, or seen the earlier film and have some clue as to the answer. This version decides that the answer is love – romantic love – and so enhances that part of every character’s story including Poirot for some reason.

Watch This: Lavish, fantastic looking adaption of a classic murder mystery
Don’t Watch This: More style than substance, an Agatha Christie mystery whose solution is convoluted rather than elegant, and whose shoehorning in of love everywhere adds nothing to the drama

4. Iron Monkey (1993)

Iron Monkey is a masked Robin Hood figure, robbing the rich and distributing the proceeds to the poor. In his most daring raid he invades the governor’s home and steals his gold. None of the guards are able to stop him, and the town constable Fox seems too bumbling to track him down.

Iron Monkey is in fact Dr Yang, beloved by all, and the very man the guards go to to treat their injuries after fighting Iron Monkey. Wong Kei-Ying, another doctor and martial artist, is in town with his son Wong Fei-Hung. Attacked by robbers he fights them off. Seeing his skill the guards arrest him accusing him of being Iron Monkey. The farcical and brutal interrogation by the governor is interrupted by Iron Monkey. To prove his innocence Wong Kei-Ying fights Iron Monkey, the two evenly matched. After Iron Monkey escapes, the governor keeps the son hostage to force the father to track down and defeat Iron Monkey.

The locals refuse to help, shelter, or even feed Wong Kei-Ying, so he is taken in by Dr Yang and his assistant Miss Orchid. They even manage to get his son out of prison when he falls sick. While Wong Kei-Ying searches for Iron Monkey, Yang and Orchid teach the son new martial art moves.

As the film moves into the final sequence, a renegade Shaolin Monk, now an imperial official, comes into town. Taking over the from the governor, he sends his men after Iron Monkey, also fighting Wong Kei-Ying. His thugs attack the clinic and attempt to rape Miss Orchid, but are fought off by the younger Wong, who is then captured. Iron Monkey and Wong Kei-Ying will have to join forces for some spectacular martial arts action.

Watch This: Fun martial arts action film
Don’t Watch This: Silly, violent and occasionally sadistically gruesome

5. Barbarian Queen (1985)

In the Barbarian village Queen Amathea prepares to marry Prince Argan. Then slavers under Lord Arrakur arrive, rape and capture Amathea’s sister Taramis, attack and either kill or capture the inhabitants of the village. The only ones to escape are Amathea, Estrild and Tiniara. Taking boat after Lord Arrakur they ambush some of his men freeing Tamaris, who is disoriented and traumatised.

They meet a group who oppose Arrakur, but don’t want to fight. They smuggle the women into the city. They're captured, split up. Estrild is sent into the gladiators chambers, where she encounters Argan. Taramis, confused, finds herself Arrakur’s companion. Tiniara and Amathea are taken to the dungeon. Tiniara dies under torture. Arrakur leaves his torturer to get information out of Amathea about the rebels. He attempts to impregnate her for science; she turns the tables using her vagina to trap him (?). Escaping, she and Estrild go back to the rebels, and co-ordinate an uprising during the gladiatorial contest.

A rather confusing film, offering torture and rape of women, and women killing their torturers and rapists. all mixed up in a rather queasy manner. Occasionally the fight scenes reach a level of excitement, and sometimes the plot makes an appearance.

Watch This: Boobs, fighting, some genuinely strange scenes
Don’t Watch This: Boobs, fighting, some genuinely strange scenes

6. The Conjuring: Last Rites

In the 60s Ed and Lorraine Warren (real) go on their first exorcism, where they encounter a haunted mirror. Lorraine, pregnant, goes into labour. Their child is stillborn, but after they pray over her she revives and they name her Judy*.

In the 80s, the Warrens have been exorcising for more than 20 years. They have a room full of dangerous haunted artefacts. They give talks about exorcisms and possession**. Ed has heart problems and is forced to retire from paranormal investigation. Judy has had strange episodes*** since she was a child, and Lorraine taught her a rhyme to stop them. She now has a boyfriend Tony, who will propose to her shortly.

Shortly because there’s another storyline. In an industrial town in Pennsylvania, three generations of the Smurl family and their dog live in a slightly crowded house. Heather, the second daughter of four, is confirmed in a Catholic church. Her mother finds her a gift from a swap meet; a large antique mirror. In fact the same haunted mirror from the opening sequence (apparently the owner did not know it was haunted).

Strange events plague the family. Three entities seem to haunt them, an old woman, a young woman, and a man with an axe. Creeped out by the mirror, Heather and her sister dispose of it but that doesn’t stop the problems. The family appeal to the local priest who can’t help. However Father Gordon investigates, after which he appeals to his friends the Warrens. Ed is taking his heart condition seriously so they turn him down.

Father Gordon goes to the bishop but discovers himself in a nightmare hellscape created by the demon and kills himself. At the funeral Judy has a vision of Gordon and the Smurls. She goes to try and find them. Following her Ed, Lorraine, and Tony try to get her to leave them but she refuses; why does she have these visions if she’s not meant to help them? None of them know this is the mirror that almost killed her before she was born.

This is a moderately spooky haunting story, the mirror’s resurrection after it’s destruction genuinely unexpected and weird to me. And this in turn explains why the Warrens keep all the trophies from other investigations (and films) in their weird artefact room. Nice to know!

Watch This: Spooky haunted house film
Don’t Watch This: Exploitative dramatization of contested Warren stories

* Real, though in fact born in 1946.

** So I caught the start of one other Conjuring film where they gave a talk to a packed room. In an ironic twist this talk has the lights come up from the slide to reveal a mostly empty room with bored watchers. It’s AFTER this film they take off as lecturers etc.

*** Panic attacks. Which of course does not rule out demonic intervention!

7. Up In The World (1956)

At the Labour Exchange Norman (Norman Wisdom), having been fired from some previous jobs due to Norman Wisdom-style buffoonery, is sent to the stately home of Sir Reginald as a window washer. Sir Reginald (Regi) is an obnoxious teenager, playing pranks on people and coddled by his mother and Major Willoughby who runs the household. Thanks to a combination of Regi’s pranks and general Norman Wisdom-style buffoonery* he’s fired, but Regi has taken a shine to him and gets him back.

Norman and Jeannie, a maid, hit it off, and eventually he asks her to a dance. Norman’s refusal to coddle Regi comes to a head at a football match where he actually tries to play against Regi, while the rest of both teams (all staff members) let him look good. Regi traps him in a window and tickles him until he promises to take Regi out for the night to a magic show. There’s also a plot to kidnap Regi**, in which Norman is tricked into damaging the TV so a van comes to fix it with the kidnappers – but Regi and Norman are already out.

At the magic show Regi and Norman get involved with Norman doing some Norman Wisdom-style buffoonery. They’re spotted by the kidnappers who grab them. Norman tries to rescue Regi but the kidnappers blame him and Regi gets a bang on the head and remembers nothing. Norman is sentenced to 25 years, which is the longest sentence in the prison so makes him head of the prisoners; when they’re washing windows he goes up the ladder. Thanks to some slapstick nonsense he escapes, heads back to the stately home to try and prove his innocence. In swift succession he impersonates a soldier out looking for him, then at a fancy dress party cross-dresses as a belly dancer to try and get to Jeannie, only to find himself dancing with Major Willoughby, before the film finally comes to a climax.

This is Norman Wisdom doing all the Norman Wisdom bits, faux-naïve, slapstick, the underdog who refuses to be held down. The early part where he keeps getting into trouble in the stately home is mixed, but very funny when it hits. When the plot finally kicks in it’s fine, the need to keep moving accelerating the jokes, but leaving no space to linger and enjoy them.

Watch This: Straightforward comedy showcasing Norman Wisdom-style buffoonery
Don’t Watch This: Your tolerance for Norman Wisdom-style buffoonery is low

* Slapstick window washing, going in windows when people are trying to do things, misunderstanding ambiguous instructions etc.

** His mother not so foolish in her paranoia

8. A Saint A Woman A Devil

Sylvia is a devout modest woman. However she has multiple warring personalities, at least two of which want to have sex. Thus this film, where she changes outfits (including being in the nude) and seduces visitors. This is occasionally enlivened by her visits to her therapist, and a flashback to her as a child, her mother discovering her masturbating.

This attempts to take it’s subject matter, if not sensitively and with nuance, at least seriously. However it is, in the end, an exploitation film about a woman who has a lot of sex, which also involves her cousin being raped while an orgy goes on next door.

Watch This: Curiosity of a film, using adult performers and film students to make an erotic horror
Don’t Watch This: Rather dated in both the depiction and description of dissociative identity disorder, and in pornography

9. Transporter 3

Frank from The Transporter and Transporter 2 has retired from transporting; in a flashback that takes place later it’s revealed that he took a meeting out of courtesy, refused a transporting job and recommended another Transporter, Malcolm (he had to beat up the henchmen to refuse the job). His fishing trip is interrupted when his friend, French Police Inspector Tarconi, is called away after Malcolm evades customs and immigration, bringing his car and passenger Valentina into the country.

On the run, in trouble, Malcolm crashes his car into Frank’s house. Frank rescues and hides Valentina, but has to call an ambulance for Malcolm. He realises too late that the bracelets Malcolm and Valentina are wearing measure the distance to the car, and when Malcolm is driven away, his bracelet explodes, killing him and destroying the ambulance. Then the bad guys turn up, knock out and kidnap Frank and Valentina.

Valentina has been kidnapped from clubbing in Mallorca as her father is the Ukranian environmental minister. Ecocorp want to being in shiploads of very toxic waste, and to get his agreement they’re holding her hostage, but also need her transported across Europe(?). She and Frank then go on a road trip, with the two of them trapped by the bracelets to remain near the car. This leads to a variety of variations on the situation, from Frank taking the car to a guy he knows to try and figure it out and having to beat up some henchmen; to him having to chase after the car when they try to drive it away from him; to them stopping at a petrol station and Valentina apparently not quite able to get to the toilet and, it’s implied, peeing on the floor (?).

Somewhat disappointing third excursion for the Transporter, a few twists with Frank’s coercion in going further in transporting than he wants. A couple of good stunt sequences and Jason Statham puts in his usual solid performance. The romance seems unnecessary – unprofessional compared to the first two films – though at least the coda at the end is cute.

Watch This: Spectacular stunts, fun fights
Don’t Watch This: Doesn’t add much to the Transporter films if you’re interested in them in the first place

10. Solo: A Star Wars Story

Han Solo, a street criminal from Corellia, escapes a deal gone wrong by joining the Imperial military, leaving his companion Qi’ra behind. Several years later he finds himself and infantryman on the planet Mimban, having been thrown out of flight school for insubordination. Realising that a trio of soldiers are acting suspiciously he attempts to join them in what he correctly identifies as a criminal exercise. Their leader Tobias Beckett, impersonating an officer, has him arrested. He’s thrown into a cage with a Wookie, a big dangerous and hairy alien species. Solo speaks his language, learns he’s named Chewbacca and they break out.

Thinking that maybe Solo has some moxie, and Chewbacca at least is reliably strong, Beckett agrees to let them join his crew. They then attempt a daring train heist, stealing coaxium from a train in motion. Although they expect and deal with the traintroopers, they find themselves attacked by a rival criminal gang the Sky Riders and the coaxium is destroyed. Beckett returns to his boss, Dryden Voss, where Solo encounters Qi’ra, now working for Voss and the Crimson Dawn Syndicate. To make up for their failure, Solo suggests another heist; stealing unrefined coaxium from Kessel, then transporting it to Savareen to be processed.

To do this they need a fast ship before the coaxium becomes unstable and explodes. And so to meet Lano Calrissian, his droid co-pilot L3-37, and his ship the Millenium Falcon. Together they do the heist, but discover there’s more at stake – and possibly the cost is more than they can bear. Plus, inevitable betrayal.

Watch This: Fun space adventure
Don’t Watch This: Over-explains the origins of Han Solo while requiring moderate knowledge of Star Wars to get what’s going on